Cat in the Sewing Room

No Groovy Boards

2012-01-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

Ah, the never-ending saga of the Groovy Boards. I got an e-mail yesterday from the shop owner - they still haven't been shipped. Don't fully understand why the latest delay, but I may have them next week. Yeah and piggies fly!

Despite all the work stacked on my desk at the office, I am NOT going there tomorrow. I need to spend quality time with my sewing machine.

Love ya,
Cathy

Ten Minute Blocks

2012-01-24T08:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I met with my church's quilting group. There are a lot of nice things about this group: we share a similar faith, love quilting, and we learn something every meeting.

Our group leader taught Ten Minute Blocks last night. It uses 10 inch squares (layer cake pre-cuts) and only takes three seams to put together. Conceivably, one could piece a decent sized quilt in a REAL short period of time.

I was amazed how it worked and had three blocks put together in less than 30 minutes. With all the quilts I have to create for graduations, weddings, etc. this year, several of them just may be Ten Minute block quilts. I may even experiment with five inch blocks once I'm home this evening.

My dear friend, Mary, has asked me to create a quilt for her sister who is battling lung cancer. She wanted Betty Boop fabric to be the "theme" fabric. Further cementing my belief that one can find ANYTHING on EBay - that's where I found two yards of what I needed and the mailman delivered it yesterday. I have a really easy, nice looking pattern for a comfort quilt and that's what I'll start tonight.

Before quilt club, I had to venture into the craft room to fetch my sewing machine tote. A lot of Michael's things are also stored in that room. It's time to start mailing some items to his kids and figure out what to do with all the record albums. They're certainly not doing anybody any good where they are now.

Love ya,
Cathy

Emma

2012-01-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

My daughter's French Bulldog, Emma, has been my constant companion in the sewing room the last few months. During the evenings when her mistress is at work, Emma's presence has been a source of amusement and frustration at times.

You see, I'm one of those strange people who talk to their pets. Of all four of our family pets, Emma is the only one who seems to listen; she cocks her head and looks at me rather stupidly, but heck, she does listen. The cats? They never give me the impression they EVER listen - they're cats and they're known for ignoring their humans.

Emma has dragged all her toys and a fleece bed into the sewing room. If I get busy and don't hear her chomping on a chew toy or terrorizing the cats, I know she's wandered to the front door and wants outside. I have to drop what I'm doing, put a leash on the dog and take her out. Surely don't want that dog messing in the house -she smells!

Oh, my word, she does stink at times! I've never, ever had a dog fart as much as she does and they are d-e-a-d-l-y.

Except for the interruptions and the occasional smell, she's a good companion and she chases the cats off the quilts I'm working on. Once she and I have achieved our sewing goals for the night, we watch television together. Emma puts her head on my lap and rests....until her "mom" comes home.

The odd thing is until the last few months, I truly resented that I had to care for this animal whilst Andrea was at work. Somehow, this odd dog who snorts and grunts like a pig, eats like there's no tomorrow and has a mile-long stubborn streak has wormed her way into my heart. There's just something endearing about an animal who gets excited when the door to the sewing room is open and dashes into the room ahead of me.

I guess we're both happy to be in there.

Love ya,
Cathy

Update on Groovy Boards

2012-01-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

I finally got a non-nasty e-mail from the shop owner. Apparently, he has "straightened out" (i.e. remembered to order) the long-anticipated Groovy Boards for my Avante. They should be here early next week. We shall see.....

Just finished piecing the last of the blocks for my "Sunshine and Shadows" quilt! I started this two years ago, my friends...with a lot of stuff in between. My design wall's not big enough for them all, so I suppose I'll wing it when I sew them together.

I had a lovely lunch with Linda S. this afternoon. We're going to put our heads together and make plans for a sew-in with a couple of other quilters later this summer or fall. It's been ages since we've done that. None of us can afford a fancy quilters' cruise or trip to California, so we'll make do with what we can - perhaps half-way between us all.

Love ya,
Cathy

Getting Better

2012-01-17T05:59:00.000-08:00

Love those three-day weekends! I did not get a huge amount of sewing done, but I greatly enjoyed the time I did have in the sewing room. I'm close to completing all the blocks I need for my "Sunshine and Shadows" log cabin quilt. Excellent way to use up the scraps. I posted some shots of the design wall and my sewing room on my Facebook account. For some reason, I can't figure out how to post them on my blog using my new laptop - I'll get some help with that soon.

I went to the Community Center last night and had a fitness assessment, or in my case, lack of fitness. Well, at least it's a starting point. And like my doctor said, it's time for Cathy to take care of Cathy. I may try an exercise class or two in the coming weeks, so stay tuned for the details. The trainer who did my assessment recommended a few classes to start with: gentle yoga, water aerobics, and Zumba. That's in addition to treadmilling it twice a week (minimum). If I pack my work out gear in the car and go straight to the center after work, I'll have a better chance of getting it done. Once I'm home most nights, FORGET IT - I don't want to go anywhere else once I'm home.

Andrea and I went to see the 3-D version of "Beauty and the Beast" at the theater yesterday afternoon. Not like we haven't seen this film a hundred times on DVD, but the 3-D changes were truly special.

Other than the above mentioned activities, nothing really special or different about the weekend: laundry, some shopping, bit of cleaning, church.....The nice thing about my life right now - most of my free time I can CHOOSE what I want to do. Like yesterday morning, I slept in until 10 am! That is so unlike me since I'm usually up around 7 or 8 on my off-work days. But, you know what? It felt good to sleep that long and I must have needed it.

Love ya,
Cathy

Damage Control

2012-01-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

At 2:30 this morning, I was woken from a deep sleep by my daughter crying. Seems her ex-friend posted some bitter, ugly things about my daughter again on the ex's blog. Honestly, Andrea asked for it since she left a comment on the blog. But, the ex had no business writing Andrea's full name in capital letters. I advised Andrea to eliminate the blog from her favorites, don't go there again and do not respond to the lies. Also told Andrea that she's far better off without this creepy crud in her life. Better friends and relationships are ahead. Anybody and everybody who has grown up knows that in life relationships change all the time. Andrea's a very sensitive, caring girl who needs to develop "thicker skin", as Michael would have said. Keep her in your prayers.

I received an e-mail from the shop owner regarding my groovy boards. He wanted to confirm the patterns and number of the patterns I wanted. He's only had since September to remember this! GEESH! I was told he was going to make another effort to get these and would tell me later all the problems he encountered obtaining them. I really don't care about that - what I do care about is the weeks/months passing by with no communication. Makes it sound like I'm the one causing issues when he claimed he wants this completed.

It was also the first day I drove my VW Beetle in the snow. Wow! No issues at all; the snow removal teams in SW Ohio did a good job with the roads.

Another retirement quilt gifted today. My co-worker Steve is retiring. I've worked with him for ten years and he will be greatly missed.

Love ya,
Cathy

Blood Pressure

2012-01-12T06:52:00.000-08:00

Just as I thought, my blood pressure was way out of line. My doctor prescribed some medication for that plus a mild anxiety drug. The great thing about the pills - I felt better 30 minutes after taking the things. It may be all "in my head", but I am feeling better. I'll take that any day!

Andrea appeared to be doing better last night when she returned from work. She has an appointment with her nurse practitioner today. Thank you for all your prayers and kind thoughts - keep 'em coming!

I slept much better last night.

Will report back soon.

Love ya,
Cathy

Muddling Through

2012-01-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

Nine months ago today I lost my best friend/husband. In a lot of ways, it seems like he died just yesterday. But, in many aspects, it's been a LONG nine months. There's this huge hole in my life right now that I've tried my best to fill with friends, family, church, quilting, etc. These activities are kind of like pouring sand in a sieve; passing right through the hole. One of these days though, I pray that hole will close up. It's going to take time, I've been told.

It does not help right now that I'm dealing with my daughter's anxiety issues. Her so-called best friend has ended their seven year friendship based on a lot of false accusations and bitter, hurtful words to my Andrea. Anybody who knows Andrea knows she's not capable of the things she's been accused of. But now my darling girl is suffering inside - on top of her already raw grief. As a mother, I'd like to literally smack the ever-living crap out of the x-friend. But, as a Christian and in respect to my girl, I'm doing my best to steer clear of the brat who has caused so much pain. I'm feeling a bit of sadness about it too - the x-friend was a fixture in our family for years - she even went on vacations with us and told me I was more of a mother to her than her own mom was.

On to other "scum" - still no e-mail communication from the shop owner regarding my groovy boards. Jennifer, if you're reading this, yes, I would like the name of the shop you deal with - it would be nice to deal with reputable people.

During all the drama of the last few days, I realized it was time to see my doctor about my blood pressure - it's been horrible the last few times I took it. So, I have an appointment this afternoon.

One of my quilting friends came over to the house on Saturday afternoon with a king-sized top. We loaded it on the frame, I showed her how to operate the Avante and voila - two hours later - she was done with the quilting. She was amazed. I finished piecing a top - a kit from Connecting Threads with the Parlor Pets line - need to order the backing for it now. I also dug out an old project I started two years ago- log cabin blocks from the Judy Martin book. The design wall is now filled with the blocks and I'm making more for a "Sunshine and Shadows" pattern - appropriate, eh?

Well, the sun is not shining today in southwestern Ohio, but it will again someday. Of that I am certain. I'm reading through the Bible again this year. The chapter in Genesis that I read yesterday had a verse which said God can do anything. I believe that and with that faith, I KNOW brighter days are ahead.

Love ya,
Cathy

Dilemma Update

2012-01-06T14:45:00.000-08:00

I e-mailed HQ and was told there is no backlog on most of their Groovy Boards and certainly no back log since September. OK- so I e-mailed the shop in Columbus again and the owner finally e-mailed me back. Oh, my word, was he ever angry. Told me that somebody at HQ was going to lose their job and accused me of questioning his integrity. I don't know what or whom to believe now.

What I do know is that I will NEVER, EVER order another thing from this shop in Columbus. I've never had this bad of an experience with any other merchant. Even Sears was better than this with the washing machine issues we had several years ago.

And it goes to show you that not everybody in the quilting industry is a nice person.

Love ya,
Cathy

Customer Service Dilemma

2012-01-04T10:07:00.001-08:00

I purchased an HQ Avante last summer during an out-of-town quilt show. Part of the deal was an additional $500 worth of Avante supplies for free. And, yes, it was written in the contract. I've since used about $300 of the deal - purchased some items when the in-house instructor came to my house for my start up lessons.

Well, redeeming the rest has proven to be a nightmare. I went to the quilt show in Sharonville in September with the specific purpose of meeting with the shop owner at their booth to obtain the rest of my supplies. He wrote down the request since he didn't have the items there with him and promised to get back to me. When I didn't hear back, I phoned and left several messages. Once, I actually got to talk with the shop owner who assured me the shop had every intention of honoring their promise to me. Still, no action.

I e-mailed the shop around Thanksgiving. A few days later, I received part of my order - a stylus. Still no sign of the groovy boards I wanted. E-mailed again and the response was the HQ company is having difficulties with the groovy board manufacturer, the shop owner had dropped the ball, the company had forgotten about it too, etc. BUT, he wanted to assure me that I was not forgotten. This was three weeks before Christmas.

I still have no groovy boards.

Any suggestions? I'm about ready to drop the whole thing and order groovy boards straight from HQ to see if I was being fed a "line". But that means I have to pay for something I was already promised.

This whole situation has definitely made me think twice before doing business with a brick and mortar store. It's tons easier with my work schedule to feed my quilting addiction over the internet and the customer service I've received from various sites has been superb, including HQ. I like supporting small local businesses, don't get me wrong. But when they cannot meet their promises after repeated opportunities, they're losing more than one customer - they're losing their reputation.

Love ya,
Cathy

P.S. I love my Avante!

Winter Begins

2012-01-03T05:26:00.000-08:00

When is it a good day to snow? Answer: On a day off from work.

That's what happened yesterday - we received our first measurable snow fall and I had the absolute luxury of staying home in the morning. Good thing too - the roads were a mess most of the morning.

Spent the time packing away the Christmas decor and made the decision to purchase a new tree for the 2012 festivities. (The old tree served us well for 15 years for a $29 expenditure.) Once the packing was accomplished, I headed for the sewing room and got eight blocks finished for a lapsized quilt with a kit from Connecting Threads.

Once Andrea crawled out of bed I knew my "me" time was done. We headed out into the snow for a lunch at Chipotle and a movie, "We Bought A Zoo".

The rest of the day - watching television and finishing the binding for a wall hanging. Great day, all-in-all - relaxing start to the new year.

Love ya,
Cathy

Welcome 2012!

2011-12-31T18:02:00.000-08:00

I have admit that 2011 was one of the toughest years in my life. But, I'm looking forward to the new year with perhaps a bit more fervor than I have in recent new years.And here are a few reasons why:

-I want to take better care of myself both spiritually and physically in 2012. I spent the greater portion of the last several years taking care of others. It's time for Cathy to take care of Cathy.

-Learn new things. Meet new people. Keep open to different opportunities. Enjoy stuff outside work. Work is a means to an end and certainly does not define who I am.

That's a few and a good start, don't you think.

Happy 2012 to you all. Best of health and all possible happiness.

Love ya,
Cathy

2011 in Review

2011-12-29T07:25:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to read the "year in review" articles covering celebrity comings and goings. And I also like to take "stock" of my personal events in the year which is soon to pass into the history books. I find it very helpful in making plans for the new year - because after all, how does one know where they're going without looking back for direction?

The first four months of 2011 were all but consumed with taking care of Michael and saying good-bye to Michael. In a way, those good-byes began years ago and are on-going to this day. But in looking back, I try to glean whatever good things I can from the trial of losing my spouse. I'm a kinder, gentler person than I was even a year ago. Stuff which would have infuriated me in the past only mildly irritates me now - life is too short to worry about office political crap and things which honestly don't make any difference in the long run to my happiness or well-being.

My reliance on God has increased dramatically. During the months leading to Michael's passing I prayed every night for God to show me what I was to learn from it all. I think he has. I've read some of my blog posts from the time frame in question and I wonder now: how did I ever get through that? I know that too - thank you God!

And there were some good times in 2011 - the NQA show, the International Quilt Festival, the Sharonville quilt show. Interesting to note: thanks to Facebook and the NQA, I've re-connected with a dear friend from high school.

Andrea and I took a long-promised trip to Florida. She loved every minute at the theme parks.

I've become more active with my Sunday school class activities, the church-sponsored quilt group, and Bravehearts - a group recently formed for folks who have lost their partners.

The children, family and friends all joined me in October for the Hospice Memory walk. We helped raise nearly $500 for Hospice of Cincinnati. I am deeply, immensely grateful to that organization for all they did for us in 2011.

My kids are finding their paths in this world as young adults. Danny is on track to graduate with honors from UC at the end of summer quarter. Andrea is not quite sure what direction she is going with education, but she will find her way. She obtained her driver's license, graduated from high school and obtained a solid job in 2011 - all good indicators.

With all the train gear sold at auction, my sewing room moved to another part of the house. It's fabulous to have a large retreat room for my quilting passion. Also, room enough for the Handiquilter machine I purchased at the NQA show. It's especially nice this time of year to look out the window above my sewing desk and see the blue holiday lights.

I have been blessed so much this year - and in some way I feel guilty about it all since much of it wouldn't have happened if Michael were still alive. However, it was meant to be and serve as a "launching pad" for 2012 - which I'm hoping will be a happier year for all of us.

I'll post my plans for 2012 in a day or two.

Love ya,
Cathy

Cleaning and Clearing

2011-12-27T07:56:00.000-08:00

Since I had the day off yesterday and since my children dashed off to the local malls, I took the opportunity to clean and organize my sewing room. It truly was a mess after all the last minute sewing projects and recent fabric purchases.

There were a few things I tossed into the donate basket - three yards of University of Michigan fabric (nephew decided NOT to attend school there)and various railroad fabrics (for quilts I never made for Michael). I'll find good homes for all of them.

Once everything had a "home" I drove to Walmart and purchased a label maker. Now everything has its place AND knows where it is - rather where it should be!

I'm not finished, however. There are sewing things still in the original sewing room and in the room Michael used for his modeling. Sounds like a project for another long weekend. I certainly haven't missed these items and perhaps they're slated for the donate basket.

All-in-all, well pleased with my progress. It is so much nicer to create in a clutter-free environment. Speaking of which, I do need to get busy with at least four quilts for the coming year - one wedding, two graduations and one baby. And once my nephew shows me how to post photos using my new laptop, I'll keep my blog visually up to date on my progress.

Love ya,
Cathy

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T18:17:00.000-08:00

I made it through it through Christmas with no major meltdowns. Oh, to be sure I did tear up a few times, but that was not something I couldn't handle or explain. My children are happy with all their presents. They're currently on their way home from their trip to Columbus, spent part of the day with their grandparents and their dad's side of the family. I took a nap and then went to my brother's house for the evening. Nice that they're so close.

Both kids wanted to maintain our traditional Christmas morning breakfast which Michael started years ago - toast with scrambled eggs and baked beans = a typical English breakfast. I was so pleased to prepare that for them and nice to know that something of Michael is going to continue with us this Christmas and more to come.

So my friends, I'm continuing to feel happy and peaceful. It was a wonderful, blessed holiday. Looking to the future and continuing to learn from the past. I hope you all had a lovely holiday.

Love ya,
Cathy
Love ya

The Eyes Have It

2011-12-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I received a Christmas card from Michael's son and daughter-in-law. They also enclosed two photos of their baby boy, Alfie Michael - born in August. Their little boy certainly has his grandad's eyes. Such bright, big brown eyes! Life does go on.....

Andrea asked me to make purses for two of her friends for Christmas, so I worked on one of them for a couple of hours last night. Almost finished it - just have the strap to attach. Then, I'll begin work on the second one - should go a lot quicker now that I know what I'm doing. (Only had to rip out two seams last night!)

Thanks to a dear partner in quilting "crime", I've gotten hooked on Connecting Threads fabric and their sales are wonderful. Got the latest parcel in the mail yesterday with the newest Thimbleberries Christmas book (half price!) Wish I had gotten this earlier - there are some fantastic patterns in it. There's always next Christmas to sew for. I ordered a set of their "Charlottesville" collection - a layer cake - for my church's quilt club's next project. I may end up using one or more of the "Charlottesville" fabrics for my new kitchen curtains.

Trying to take charge of the mess in the sewing room....purchased five clear totes to organize things. I put all my flimsies together and they barely fit in one tote. NOTE: resolution for 2012 - get the flimsies quilted and bound.

One of my co-workers is retiring next month. He and his wife already have their retirement home built and she's living there already, leaving him to lead the life of a temporary bachelor during the work week until January 14. I invited him to our house tonight for dinner. He's a nice guy and I will be sad to see him leave. Yes, I have a quilt ready for him - it's a scrap quilt with all kinds of cat fabrics - just need to get the binding done. (Yep, he's crazy about cats too!)

Our medical director just gave each of us a bottle of wine for Christmas. REAL tempting to open it up and have a bit of Christmas cheer, but somehow I think management would frown on it. LOL. Our good doctor may be retiring this coming year as well. Seems like 2012 is going to be another year of change at the office in personnel and practices. Let's hope I'm up to the challenges.

Love ya,
Cathy

Peace

2011-12-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm at peace with my world. Sure, there is a big "hole" since Michael is no longer with us. But I'm starting to enjoy the season and all the activities. My shopping is all done, the parties are over and I'm ready to start baking and wrapping.

The oddest thing happened today. I was driving home and listening to the Christmas music on Sirius when I thought to myself I hadn't heard my favorite version of "Deck the Halls" yet despite hours of listening. What do think was the very next song! I honestly believe Michael had a hand in it.

Back to the sewing room tonight to finish a few things.

Love ya,
Cathy

Weekend Wrap-Up

2011-12-12T05:36:00.000-08:00

It's a known fact that time speeds up on Saturday and Sunday. POOF! Then you're back on Monday, sitting in your office wondering what the devil happened to your precious time away from work. LOL

Well, at least it seems that way.....especially when the weekends are filled with activities like shopping, sewing, cleaning....you get the picture.

Bought myself something on Saturday - a new laptop computer. It was on sale Black Friday but was unavailable until now. Gotta love rainchecks! Without even opening the laptop, I took it to my nephew, William, for him to install a better office version and anti-virus programs. William said I got a fantastic deal on the laptop. I've had little time to play with it, but I'm very pleased with the purchase. Until now I used Michael's old laptop or the desk PC - both of which were old and not working properly. Danny now has the old laptop. The PC? It's not working at all now. Another William job for later.....and I'll have him show me how to post photos on the new laptop.

I believe I am finished Christmas gift shopping. Andrea and I went shopping on Saturday and I returned to the fray after she went to work yesterday. There may be some last minute purchases, usually are.

Sewing! It felt wonderful to have a few hours on Sunday to quilt. I made a pair of potholders and four placemats for gifts. The only quilted items left to create for gifts are two handbags for Andrea's friends. Those won't take long. Making plans for 2012 quilting projects: Before I begin any big projects, the sewing room needs a ruthless clean out.

It was a good weekend - few tears. I held my sister-in-love while she cried on Saturday. She told me about walking through the English food section at a local market and how sad she was that she didn't need to buy a food basket for Michael this year. Last year she gave Michael a HUGE basket of all his favorite foods. So, she cried, and I cried with her. Yesterday marked eight months since Michael left us, so he was never far from my mind.

I mentioned that to my son during a phone conversation yesterday. "We're going to have a great Christmas even though Michael's not here," he promised.

And we will.

Love ya,
Cathy

Grief and Chocolate

2011-12-07T10:04:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in over a week because I've been going through a rough patch as of late. As we get further into the holiday season, I'm not able to control my emotions as much as I'd like. Shed a few tears at church on Sunday - not that unusual. But, crying at the office is taboo. I broke down and cried at the office yesterday. Suppose all the stresses from work in addition to everything else just bubbled over and hit me at the wrong time. Thank goodness I have caring cubicle mates who understand. Just don't like showing that particular emotion at the office since it can be and will be taken the wrong way by certain managers.

No matter how I try to handle it, I have to be honest with myself that Christmas IS going to be rough. Michael always loved Christmas and celebrated it with gusto. But, I was reading somewhere that for a person who has experienced a recent loss, the anticipation of the holiday often is worse than the holiday itself. After all, it's only ONE day of the whole year we're talking about folks.

Trying my best to make Christmas a good one for my family - most of the presents are purchased. Started to get the house decorations put out last night and I found the oddest thing.

Remember how I found an English chocolate bar hidden behind the bread box after Michael died? When I was taking the stockings out of their storage box, one of them was heavy - something was still in it from last year. In the toe of Andrea's stocking was another one of those English chocolate bars!

It's not like either of my children to forget about a gift. Or for me to overlook a bar of chocolate when packing away the stockings for the year. In some small, stupid way I'm taking this Yorkie chocolate as a sign from Michael that somehow, someway he's still caring for us.

Take heart, I will get back to blogging about my quilting activities soon.

Love ya,
Cathy

Sausage Rolls

2011-11-29T06:59:00.000-08:00

Just when I think I'm over my grief and doing well emotionally, WHAM, something happens that sets me off.

Last night it was finding several bags of sausage rolls in the freezer.

I suppose a note of explanation would help, huh? Every year at Christmas, Michael would make cheese straws, scones and sausage rolls. The mess he'd leave in the kitchen is legendary. He'd bake enough for a small army. Usually just him and his best friend, Martin would eat the sausage rolls. Andrea and Danny would scarf up the cheese straws.

In an effort to make more room in the freezer last night I started tossing out things I knew were dated and came across these bags of sausage rolls tucked in the bottom shelf. He was well enough one day last December to bake. That evening he felt so poorly the Hospice nurse had to make an emergency visit to the house - he simply had pushed himself too hard. His appetite wasn't what it used to be either so many of the sausage rolls were put in the freezer for later consumption.

He never got to eat them.

Never even felt like eating them.

I felt so bad throwing the rolls into the trash. Big reminder that he's no longer with us.

But he used to be. The sausage rolls proved that.

It still doesn't seem real that he's been gone for nearly eight months.

Thanks for listening.
Love ya,
Cathy

Sales Report

2011-11-25T14:10:00.000-08:00

Andrea talked me into going to Best Buy last night at 11. I have never joined the "crazies" shopping these sales immediately after Thanksgiving other than Joann's. OMG I could not get over the people waiting in line!!! We stood in line nearly two hours to get a deal on an XBox 360 the kids and I wanted for our family gift. In my warm bed at 3 am. AHHHHHHHHHHH! I thought, I'll just set the alarm for the regular get-up time and head on out to Joann's. Stupid me.....

I don't think I'd ever hit that alarm off so hard and fast......

But, I was at Joann's by 10:30 am and got some batting, a new ruler, some binding clips....nothing earth shattering. I plan on returning tomorrow with another 25 percent off coupon as their quilting fabric's on sale - door buster bargain.

Thanksgiving was lovely - loads of good food, family and friends and of course some football. All too soon, it was over.

I thought about Michael a lot yesterday. Nothing different or special about that - just the usual - feeling like there's a gap in my world that's never going to close completely. The odd thing is, I'm slowly filling that hole with other relationships (no, I'm not dating - yuch!) and activities. But, like I said, that hole will always be there.

Danny and Luka went back to Clifton this afternoon. Andrea's at PetSmart working, so it's just me and the pets again. Prime sewing time, so if you'll excuse me, I think I will get at it.

Love ya,
Cathy

Pre-Thanksgiving Chaos

2011-11-23T07:06:00.001-08:00

Danny arrived home for the holiday and brought my grand-dog, Luka, with him. Luka's a beautiful white Alaskan Huskie, with bright blue eyes and a sort of dumb expression. Andrea says he looks like he's stoned all the time.

The kittens hide when Luka visits, which was a real problem last summer when Danny lived with us for a few months. Both of them lost weight since they were too frightened to get near their food dish. Andrea's French bulldog puppy, Emma, adores Luka and they played well together until last night. Andrea and I had to separate them several times when their "play" got too rough and we were afraid somebody was going to get hurt.

Danny went out with some friends last night and I have no clue what time he got home. All I know is that at 3:30 this morning I heard scratching noises on my bedroom door and a soft whine. Yep, Luka wanted out, so I opened the back door and he ran out - must have been busting. A few minutes later, I opened the door, no Luka. Have you ever gone outside at 3:30 am wearing nothing but a bathrobe, jammies and pink muffy slippers when the wind is blowing cold? Finally, Luka decided he had enough of the back yard and bolted back into the house. Took me a while, but I eventually got back to sleep. Six am came too soon today.

The kids and I are going to my brother's home for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I'm grateful for that. Andrea fusses that my sister-in-love cooks weird and she will miss her traditional Thanksgiving meal. I promised her if she was at all disappointed, I will make our usual holiday dinner later. My contributions to the meal are the pumpkin pies and the green bean casserole, so she'll have at least those items to tempt her.

Loads of things to be thankful for this year. Despite losing Michael, there are so many, many positive things all around us. And that, dear friends, is what I want to remember and celebrate tomorrow.

I wish you all health, happiness and togetherness every day, but especially tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Love ya,
Cathy

Fire and Fast Weekends

2011-11-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, something in the kitchen smelled like plastic burning. Checked the fridge - nope, still OK. Looked around, nothing else was turned on. Chalk one up to my over-imaginative nose. A few minutes later, I turned around and saw flames shooting out of the laptop cord! I quickly unplugged the charger and blew the flames out. No harm other than the canisters sitting on the counter were a bit singed. The power cord's toast and was quickly tossed into the trash out in the garage. But, talk about scary! What would have happened had I not been at home? Thank the Lord that wasn't the case.

I must not have been in the mood to sew yesterday as I spent most of my day shopping. Managed to put quite a dent into the Christmas shopping. What hasn't been purchased yet will have to wait until next payday or until my son tells me what he'd like to have. Honestly, I don't have a clue for him.

After church, I dropped some can goods off at the local food drive and went to WalMart for a few things. Then, I got to sew, but the phone wouldn't stop ringing. Typical!

I pieced and quilted a tabletopper for my mother's birthday gift and got the binding ready for another quilt. Pleased to have gotten at least that much done.

So with all that done, the weekend's drawing to a close and it's back to the office tomorrow.

Hope you all have a pleasant week!
Love ya,
Cathy

Long Time-No Post

2011-11-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

I know it's been months since my last post and for that I don't really have an excuse other than time slipping away. Has it really been seven months since Michael died? Yes. Has a lot happened? Yes. But where to start......

Andrea and I took that long-awaited trip to Florida at the end of August. It was great simply getting away for a few days. We visited Universal Studios - Harry Potter World, Magic Kingdom, Disney Studios and Epcot, capping off the week with a trip to Cocoa Beach. That brought back some memories as the first vacation I took with Michael was to Cocoa Beach eleven years ago.

At this time, Andrea's approaching the end of her first quarter at UC. She is struggling with the course load, so she has decided to take fewer classes until she knows what she can handle. She adores her job at Pet Smart and I swear she'd bring home every animal she sees.

Me? I'm still trying to create a life without my spouse and be happy. I have counseling sessions nearly every week, some weeks better than others. Tonight's session went well. I think they go better if I have specific topics in mind to talk about,as I did tonight. Lyenna has helped me through some pretty tough times over the past year. I'm grateful for her help.

My church family is becoming more important to me. I'm active with the quilters group, my Sunday school class and the new widows/widowers group our pastor created this fall.

I've made several purchases which have made life much easier. First, new gutters on the house with leaf guards. Now when it rains, it no longer creates a waterfall on the front porch, something which vexed Michael to no end. Secondly, a long-arm quilting machine - an Avante 18 from Handiquilter. I'm still getting used to it and constantly marvel at how fast I can quilt. Several of my friends have been over for a "test drive". Look out flimsies! And last but, not least, a new car - a 2012 VW Beetle - bright red and oh so fun to drive. I did need new gutters on the house and I did need a new car. But the Avante? Need had nothing to do with it! LOL Neither does my continuing bad habit of purchasing fabric. Somethings never change, dear friends.

That's it for the big purchases, but Christmas is coming. No doubt the holidays are going to be tough. But, as I told my friend Diane this morning, I don't have to make that bloody awful Christmas cake this year. Michael was the only one who ate the thing. We're going to use the money we normally spent on Michael to purchase things for families at our church who otherwise wouldn't have a decent Christmas for their children. He would have liked knowing that.

So, I hope to post more often to keep you all apprised of my quilting adventures, friends, family and my new life.

Love ya,
Cathy

Pomp and Circumstance

2011-05-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

Question of the day: How does any mother get through a high school graduation ceremony without shedding any tears?

Please let me know by Sunday. I really would appreciate it.

Andrea's graduating on Sunday with 700 classmates lovingly watched by her parents, all four grandparents, two aunts, her brother and assorted friends. The end of an era for her and the beginning of bigger and better things.

Sad for me in a way: All my babies are through high school. No more school buses at the crack of dawn. No more teacher conferences, school assemblies, concerts or permission slips.

Ah, well, it's not THAT sad.

I'm so proud of my daughter. She's definitely had more challenges than most young people her age. Yet through it all, she's become a hard-working, loving young woman.

And that is worth celebrating!

Life Goes On!

2011-05-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

After days of clouds and rain, the sun is out and it's an utterly BEAUTIFUL day in southwestern Ohio. When I took Daisy for her walk this morning, I was so happy to see the sun, I sang. Good thing the neighbors weren't awake! Only God appreciates my singing! At least Daisy didn't run and hide, lol. Today is the best I've felt in ages.

Tomorrow is a BIG day - all of Michael's trains, models, equipment, etc. get packaged up and taken to the auctioneering facility. I have no clue how long it's going to take. Every time I venture into one of the train rooms, I open a drawer or cupboard and find more stuff. I am so grateful to have found an auction house which will take care of these things for me. Otherwise, the task would have quickly overwhelmed me.

AND, today is a big day for Andrea - she starts her new job at Pet Smart. She will be a pet bather. Andrea is so excited about it.

My girl has a lot of positive things going for her right now. She has a boyfriend, got her driver's license, graduates in a week and now has a job. Once we get her schedule at Pet Smart and can find the time, I'm taking her to Florida for her graduation gift. And, of course, she starts at the university in September. Exciting times!

Michael's eldest daughter, Leah, e-mailed me yesterday. She has "custody" of Michael's ashes at the moment and finds herself talking to him throughout the day. It sounds like my family in England are going on with their lives much as we are here in Ohio.

I went to quilt club at church on Monday and we finished piecing one of the charity quilts we're going to donate. I also finished piecing a project I picked up at the International Quilt Show the day before Michael passed away - a wall hanging with verses from Psalms. It will be so nice to have it quilted and hanging on a wall in my bedroom. Don't think I'll get much quilting time in the next week with all the cleaning, yard work and graduation preparations. Top on the quilting list though are the lap quilts for the Hospice angels. I want those done and presented by the middle of June. It'll be a good closure for them as well as me.

Love ya,
Cathy

Milestones

2011-05-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

It seems each week that passes brings a new "milestone" without Michael. Easter, Mother's Day and coming up graduation. He's been gone one whole month. Just doesn't seem possible - at times I think it's been longer than 30 days. In my mind, it seems like yesterday.

We've had our share of things going "KAPLOOEY" around the house. First, the oven quit last weekend. Three days later - $117 and it's fixed. The truck tire on the passenger side kept going flat - pulled the screw out of the tread and $21 to Firestone - it's fixed. I'm quite proud of myself for being able to take care of these things without a melt-down. But, what happened last night made me lose my composure.

Monsoon season appearing to be over, the back yard grass was in dire need of a trim, so I pulled the push mower out of the shed. Filled it up with petrol. It started OK and cut the grass just fine - for about ten seconds. After struggling with the machine stopping and starting for 20 minutes, I had enough!

I pushed the thing into the driveway and started to yell, "YOU STUPID MOWER! WHY WON'T YOU RUN????!!" Then I kicked the thing into submission, twice. "Yeah, that'll show it," I thought to myself. My neighbor witnessed it all and was laughing hysterically.

Then, I pulled the cord. VOILA! It started and sounded normal. I was able to finish cutting the grass afterall.

The moral of the story: If it don't work; kick it.

So, I'm learning to survive and thrive. Not to mention improving my kicking game.

Love ya,
Cathy

Sweet Surprise

2011-05-06T05:46:00.000-07:00

Last night I was tidying up the kitchen, when I found two English chocolate bars hidden behind the bread box. Andrea swore she knew nothing about stashing them there. So, it must have been Michael.

The last time I purchased Yorkies and Crunchies was at Christmastime. The only thing I could figure out was Michael put them there to hide them for future consumption and to keep them away from the resident chocoholics.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed a piece of Yorkie last night. There is nothing like good English chocolate.

Thank you, Michael!

A New Month

2011-05-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

Each week seems to bring another "first" without Michael. Last week it was "first" Easter. Now today, it's first new month.

My mood seems to be all over the boards the last few days. Friday was by far the worst day for me in three weeks. Work was a disaster - I had to decline a lot of business which my friend wrote. I know it was the proper thing to do from a risk standpoint, but that fact certainly didn't help when I knew I was contributing to my friend's worst work week in 30 years. I also had to cancel my counseling appointment this week because of work. After nearly two hours of overtime, I drove home and found the life insurance check in the mail.

I suppose some people would think that was a good thing - Michael's way of helping me out in the future. However, I saw it as an "official" telling me he truly was gone. I couldn't talk to anybody on Saturday without bursting into tears. I deposited the check into an account and I will "forget" about it for a few months.

Today? Much better. I went to church and celebrated the Lord's day with my friends. No tears! How's that for an achievement? Andrea's out with her dad, so I took the opportunity to get some sewing done - finished the paper pieced blocks for my church quilting group and two blocks for a super secret project. As soon as Andrea returns, we're headed to my brother's house for dinner. I made a pineapple-upside down cake for dessert - my dad's favorite. I hadn't made one for years since Michael wasn't a big fan of that cake.

I talked with a friend at the "Raise the Walls" event at church yesterday. She lost her husband a year ago and has offered to be my "mentor" through the process I'm going through. She explained the roller-coaster of emotions I'm going through is perfectly natural. But, it will get better, she promised.

Some good news - Andrea passed her driver's license test on Thursday. I'm not sure who was more nervous about the test - me or her? LOL The relief on that young woman's face after the test was priceless. Now, she can concentrate on getting a job.

So, life goes on. Every day another hurdle crossed. Sleep gets easier. And I'm doing things I LIKE to do and am not making any plans beyond tomorrow. Last night I watched "Doctor Zhivago", one of my favorite movies to watch when I want to feel better. I have a handle of movies like that and I intend on popping them each into the DVD player when the need arises in the coming days.

And you know what? My sewing machine seemed happy to see me again.

Love ya,
Cathy

Fuzz

2011-04-22T07:34:00.000-07:00

Ever since Michael passed away, I've felt numb and full of fuzz at times. Does that make sense? Sort of like this huge fog has drifted into my body and is just now slowly lifting from the landscape.

I thank God for my family and friends who have been so very supportive. My mom's phoned me almost every night since she returned home last Saturday.

One night, Andrea and her buddies went to another house for a sleepover which meant I was alone in the house for the first time. Around 9:30, I started to have a bit of a panic attack and texted Andrea.

"Are you OK?" I asked.
"Fine," she replied."Are you?"
"Not really. I'm a bit nervous,"
"Do you want me to come home?"
"Yes!"

So I drove to her friend's house and picked up ALL the girls and they camped out in my living room for the night just because I didn't want to be alone just yet. Dear Andrea has been "mothering" me for over a week now. She's gone everywhere with me in the evenings and polished my scruffy nails twice.

I returned to work on Tuesday. Many people were surprised I returned that soon after Michael's death. But, honestly, keeping my head buried in files and doctor's reports is good medicine for me at the moment. It felt strange being here at first, but by Wednesday, it felt routine and comfortable again.

Monday night I went to my church's quilting group and was surrounded by my friends with love and comfort. I also learned how to paper piece log cabin blocks. Each of us are sewing three blocks (at least) for comfort quilts for our congregation members who need a bit of, well,comfort. The pastor's wife will determine who receives the six quilts we're working on. It was an idea I proposed after seeing how much joy Michael had when he received a comfort shawl from a church in Texas.

For the first time in two years, I'm going to my mother's house for the weekend. It will be nice to celebrate Easter with her and my step-dad's huge family. One of Andrea's friends offered to watch our pets for two days.

So, dear blog followers, this "Catquilter" is slowly getting back to ordinary things and life. Each day gets better.

Love ya,
Cathy

Michael

2011-04-17T09:30:00.000-07:00

My husband, Michael, passed away in his sleep on April 11.

It's taken me nearly a week to have the courage to get on-line and blog about it.

Last Sunday was a rough day for him. I planned on attending the International Quilt show in Cincinnati, but his breathing and stamina were so poor, I hesitated to leave him.

"You've been looking forward to that show for over a year," he stated, "Go, I'll be fine." He insisted I leave, so I did. I drove home at 2:30 and returned to his room. He woke up and yelled at me, "I thought I told you to go to that show!" I did, I explained, you've just been sleeping the whole time. We laughed a bit about that.

Then about 6 pm, he went into respiratory distress and asked for me to phone Hospice. The emergency nurse arrived and together we got Michael back into his normal breathing pattern and comfortable. It was the worst attack I'd seen. But, he seemed OK. At 10, he wanted something to eat; he had not eaten all day - just didn't feel up to it. I told him I would fix whatever he wanted or even go out to fetch a meal. He wanted rice pudding and toast - two of his favorites.

I delivered the meal to him in bed and he turned on the telly - there just happened to be a show on PBS about the Orient Express. He was happy - his favorite comfort foods and a train show. "Go on to bed," he ordered. "You have work in the morning."

"Are you sure you'll be all right," I asked.

"Go!" he said "I'll be all right," and he smiled and waived bye-bye to me.

The next morning, I got up, started a pot of coffee and made a cup of tea for Michael. I opened the door to his room and could tell at first glance he was gone. I called out his name three times, no response. I started to get a bit shaky, but I knew what I had to do. Phoned Hospice, the on-call nurse was here in ten minutes, listened to his chest and confirmed that he had passed on probably around 4 am. The respiratory attack the previous night probably weakened his heart, already compromised by congestive failure, and he died in his sleep.

The rice pudding was gone, but the toast was untouched and the television was still on. He probably fell asleep and just never woke up.

I don't remember who I phoned first. My mom, brother, work, my friend Diane, my son and Michael's ex-wife. My brother was already with a patient in surgery, but he left as soon as he was done. Mom and my step-dad made the four hour journey and were here by 3. My dear friend, Diane, was here by 10. What a comfort they all were and still are! Pastor Tom and his wife were here at 3 - my sister-in-love phoned them. Michael's ex had just made plane reservations to be here for two weeks to help me care for Michael. I asked her to cancel those and please visit another time. She phoned all of Michael's children for me and his mum too. Andrea was here also and was a huge help keeping the pets happy, answering the phone and door. It was a flurry of activity all week.

We had a luncheon here at the house yesterday in Michael's honor. We shared a lot of happy tales, celebrated his life and comforted each other. It's how he wanted it.

Now, his ashes are on their way to his son who will host a memorial for Michael in England. Again, just what Michael wanted.

I went to church this morning, thanked my wonderful Sunday School class for catering the meal yesterday. During the service this morning, the church organist - an extremely talented musician - the pianist, the bell choir and the chorus performed "To God Be The Glory". It was by far the most beautiful rendition I've ever heard of that hymn. Until then, I had held off my tears, but mid-performance, the tears tumbled out of my eyes. A combination of joy in the glorious music and a celebration that Michael is in heaven. My friend, Donna hugged me and we both said how appropriate it all was.

Throughout everything this week, I knew Michael was and is all right. And so am I.

Love ya,
Cathy

New Challenges

2011-04-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

Each week presents its own set of new challenges, especially with Michael's health. His legs/feet are so swollen from the congestive heart failure his doctor has decided to increase his Lasix at the peril of his already low blood pressure. It seems like we chase away one "demon" and another takes its place with these medications. Dr. Peerless has also prescribed another anti-biotic to combat the thrush that's creating so much discomfort in his mouth and throat.

Irregardless, these prescriptions are just for comfort and do not stop his heart failure and lung disease from worsening. It's just a matter of time.

Debbie, our Hospice nurse, said to expect it any time.

So, Andrea and I had a talk the other evening: What to do if you happen to check on Michael and don't get a response from him. Horrible thing to to discuss with an 18-year-old girl. But, the beautiful thing is, she understood and is displaying an unexpected amount of maturity with all this. She's trying her best to protect me.

As much as I'd like to hide in my sewing room, Andrea's not letting me. Every night after dinner, let's play a game, let's go pick up a few groceries, let's practice the driving, etc. A bit of that is healthy, but frankly last night I was tired and wanted nothing more than to sit in my recliner and finish some hand sewing. Eventually did, but by then it was 9:30 and almost time for bed.

The weekend is almost here and I will get a bit of a battery re-charge the next two days. Catch up on my sleep (maybe), get some sewing in (perhaps), clean/do laundry (will think about it) and take care of Michael (definitely). Michael wants a few thing re-organized in his bedroom, for which I may enlist Danny's help. I tidied up the room a bit last night in an effort to make things more reachable for him.

One has to remember his "universe" is limited to just the area around his hospital bed now. So we have to bring it to him - hence the doorbell he rings when he needs help. Once in a while, the doorbell goes off either because it's in his shirt pocket and he presses it accidentally or (as in last night at 10) sits on it. It causes quite a stir - Daisy, our dog, starts barking, the kittens scatter and Andrea races to the bedroom. It does the job!

I hope we all have a lovely, relaxing weekend.

Love ya, Cathy

I Love Sundays!

2011-03-27T13:47:00.000-07:00

It's quiet in the house at the moment except for the steady hum/whoosh of Michael's oxygen machine. Andrea is out with her dad and brother for a few hours of fun. The kittens are sleeping on the kitchen chairs - dead tired from playing with the new laser pointer toy. Michael's quiet too for the time being - I just took a cup of tea to him. Once he drinks it and eats his snack, he'll soon be sleeping again.

I adore these quiet moments - a brief respite in an otherwise noisy, stress-filled week. Could be that I begin most Sundays with church and Sunday school. It's one of the few things that I truly do for and by myself.

Don't get the wrong impression - I'd love for Michael to attend services with me. However, that's just not possible. He's only attended church once with me and that was ten years ago. Andrea? She's rather sleep in - don't blame her. I've been tempted on more than one Sunday to do that as well. I find if I DO NOT attend church though, the whole week's warped and by Tuesday morning chaos rules.

I fear the lack of oxygen is affecting Michael's thought process. His facebook posts are short and very often filled with typos - something that vexes the man who is proud of his proper use of the English language. He starts conversations with me and mid-sentence he forgets what he was talking about. I politely try to get him back on course, but even that's not enough.

He complains a lot about his aide and hospice nurse not listening to him or his concerns. I KNOW that is not true - Debbie and Priscilla are quite good about listening to their patient. Michael, unfortunately, has never learned the difference between listening with empathy and listening with action. If there's no action after the listening bit, he assumes he hasn't been heard. With his disease, there's little action that CAN be taken, other than providing comfort.

I sewed this afternoon as well - a couple of potholders and a hot pad for a dear sister-in-love's upcoming birthday. Tidied up the sewing room a bit. Andrea and I have been shopping at Joann Fabrics three straight days. NEVER send me a coupon worth 25 percent off the entire order which can be used multiple times AND put batting, Debbie Mumm fabric, and licensed prints all on sale. (LOL) I bought enough John Deere fabric to make a quilt for a co-worker who is probably going to retire by the end of the year. If I know it will need to purchased at some time, best to get it when it's on sale is my motto.

Last week I found some of the flimsies in my sewing room closet which would make excellent thank you gifts for the hospice workers. After Michael has joined God, I'd like nothing better than to show my gratitude to those women via a comfort quilt. So, I'll get started on these now and hope to have three of them ready when the time comes.

Well, the silence is gone - Michael has rang the "door bell" from his bedroom. I need to close now. Hope you all have a wonderful week.

Love ya,
Cathy

Fiber and Friends

2011-03-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

Michael yelled at me last night about (of all things) a Fiber One bar.

Two days ago, I left a fiber bar on his nightstand with a package of apple pastries in case he got hungry during the night. He ate the pastries but the fiber bar was unopened. In a rush to get my lunch packed and on my way to work yesterday morning, I grabbed the bar in question, shoved it into my lunchbag and didn't think any more of it.

Michael, however, did not forget the fiber bar. He claims to have spent HOURS searching for it. (Mr. Exaggeration Man strikes again - at least that's ONE thing that hasn't changed about him!) "I took it in my lunch," says me," we've got more in the pantry, do you want one?"

No response, so I continued to change for bed.

"You aren't dressed," he yelled when I came out of the bathroom. "I thought you were going to the store to get more fiber bars."

"We have some in the pantry," I replied.

"No you did not."

"I asked you if you wanted one," I continued.

By that time he was seething, mad at himself and me, so I fetched a bar for him and plunked it on his table.

I don't know if he ate it or not. But I'm certainly not going to take any food item from his room again.

These days I spend so little time on Facebook and the internet whilst I'm home. So, it was a bit of a surprise when Michael's best friend hailed me via an instant message on Facebook late last night.

"I have something to ask you," he wrote. "Michael keeps telling me not to visit that he's either real tired or busy with the hospice aides. Tell me the truth, is he angry at me or is he just being cantankerous?"

I know how much Martin values his friendship with my husband, so I mentioned to Martin that today would be an excellent day to try again since the hospice aide won't be there. I also put a "bug" in Michael's ear, "Hey, since Priscilla's not going to be at the house tomorrow, why don't you call Martin and see if he's up to a visit?"

"Mr Friendly" (aka Michael) is not real keen on having Martin visit. I'm not 100 percent certain why, but I think he doesn't want anybody beyond our little family to see him in such a deteriorated state. I don't understand that.

There are a lot of things about Michael which I don't understand anymore. Pulmonary fibrosis has robbed me of my husband, stolen Martin's best buddy, and left in his place somebody we don't recognize.

Is It March Already?

2011-03-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

I apologize to my friends and followers for not posting until now. My life has been rather hectic which means blogging unfortunately has taken a "back seat".

Michael's health continues to deteriorate. Each week brings a new medication, a different piece of medical equipment, or procedure to follow. He spends nearly all his time sleeping, which is probably a combination of his disease and the medications. Once he told me the only time he's truly comfortable is when he sleeps. Even sitting up in bed taxes his ability to breathe. His legs and feet are swollen from congestive heart failure and poor circulation. The hospice nurse offered to increase his medication for that, but Michael refused it. Debbie (the nurse) told me over the phone his blood pressure is very low and going lower each week. Increasing the lasix could depress it even more. Here's the dilemma: Take one pill; it causes a problem which requires another pill. The morphine creates constipation which requires the use of another drug. Last week, Michel complained of a sore throat and we discovered he has thrush - more medication.

Priscilla comes every day now to bathe Michael, monitor his symptoms, change his bedding and spoil my pets (LOL - Daisy's gained weight since Priscilla arrived at our house. She feeds Daisy biscuits.) If she notices something different with Michael, she's on the phone immediately to Debbie. Knowing that Priscilla is with Michael every afternoon, removes a huge bit of worry from my shoulders.

I cannot express how grateful I am to Hospice of Cincinnati for all the care, love and support they have given Michael and me.

Michael's children continue to disappoint me. They know their father is dying, but they don't call very often, they don't write, and until last week, they didn't even e-mail. He rarely talks about it, but I know it troubles him.

My son, however, boosted the Michael's spirits last week. He wrote an e-mail to him (As he said, it's easier to write these things) and told Michael how much he loved him. "You have contributed more to who I am today than my real father has," he wrote. It was a very loving e-mail and I'm so proud of my dear boy for writing it.

Speaking of Danny, he earned all A's winter quarter at UC. One of his works is slated for a gallery show next month.

Andrea's practicing her driving for the licensing exam. She's applied for a few jobs without success, but I'm sure she'll find the perfect little job. She's been a tremendous help with Michael as well.

Me? I find comfort in my children's successes obviously. LOL I work, attend church, shop, clean, watch a bit of television now and then. Quilting? Sometimes, but it's sad. The kittens spend more time in the sewing room than I do. I finished a quilt for a co-worker's wedding gift a couple of weeks ago and a lap quilt for a silent auction at the office. That's been the extent of my finishes. I'm working on Easter placemats - handsewing the binding. I am going to take a day off in a few weeks to attend the International Quilt Show in Cincinnati.

My mother was here two weeks ago to watch my nephews whilst my brother and his wife were on a cruise. We spent a lot of time together, which felt wonderful. I admit I cried when she went back home.

The one thing I do for myself each week is a counseling session. My therapist is a wonderful, insightful lady. Her advice is sound and I try my best to follow it. But, she asked me a question last week that I could not answer. "How much longer are you going to be able to keep doing what you are?"

Still can't answer with any degree of certainty. As long as it takes, I suppose. Only God knows when Michael will leave this earth. I do know, however, that everything is going to be all right eventually. This whole experience has drawn me closer to God and if that is the one thing which remains with me then it has been worth it.

Love ya,
Cathy

Downhill Slide

2011-02-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

Michael's health continues to deteriorate and along with it comes new challenges. He's now hooked up to a catheter because going to the toilet challenged his lungs/stamina so much. Morphine has also been increased. The combination of that drug and his impairments makes him sleep nearly the entire day. That's a blessing of sorts.

Hospice was at the house every day last week, including Sunday night when he was in a lot of pain. Thank goodness for 24/7 response from that organization. The aide is going to increase her visits beginning next week. She is a God-send!

Work ordinarily would be my refuge from the home front. But, even the atmosphere at the office appears toxic these days due to a firing of a long-term associate, upcoming changes which my manager tries to keep hidden from us, and a power-hungry auditor who wants to squash us all into submission. (LOL)

So, my counselor says to look for the bright spots. Believe me, I try, but they are hard to find like a "Where's Waldo" game. Never was good at that stinkin' search and find crap. Sometimes stuff has to smack me in the face before I recognize it.

One bright spot was Valentine's Day. My darling daughter made a lovely card and necklace for me. Andrea's love and support have truly been a blessing, boosting me up. She's seen me at my worst, too, like last week when I couldn't stop crying because I thought I hurt Sophie.

Sophie had crawled into the dishwasher when I wasn't looking. I slammed the rack back into the machine and was shocked to hear the kitten shriek and bolt from the dishwasher. Oh, she was ok, but I think it was the "last straw" in a horrible day for me. I cried as I held poor Sophie, her black fur sopped up some big tears. Rather confused by it all, Sophie is and was fine and hasn't crawled into the dishwasher since.

And then there's my sewing...do I ever relish my time in the sewing room. I finished piecing the wedding quilt and the mystery quilt for my church's quilting club. In addition, I made great progress with the blocks for "Buckeye Bouquet". I hope to get the wedding quilt on the frame by the weekend. I've also been asked to donate a lap quilt to the company's Fine Arts Fund week auction. Thank goodness for flimsies all ready! They do serve a purpose.

I've also gotten into the habit of reading a bit each night before going to sleep. It's also my prayer time. Honestly, I look forward to that spot of time every night.

Today I read this:

"The burden of suffering seems to be a tombstone hung around our necks. Yet, in reality it is simply the weight necessary to hold the diver down while he is searching for pearls." - Julius Richter

I'll keep looking for my "pearls".

Love ya,
Cathy

Ch Ch Ch Changes

2011-02-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

I found my sewing room! The door managed to open without piles of fabric crashing on my head. LOL Seriously, I decided to move some things around and made some changes between the sewing room and my bedroom. The large metal shelf unit is now in my bedroom, so I can go to sleep and wake up - last/first thing I see each day - MY STASH! Loads more space in the sewing room, so I can put up a design wall. Made it much more pleasant to work in there.

What joy! I sewed for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday. Finished the main part of the wedding quilt top - now on to the pieced borders. I also made some progress on the mystery quilt for the church quilt club.

Michael and I had a chance to chat last night whilst dinner was in the oven. He's felt so much worse the last week or so and is blaming the change on the weather. It seems like no matter how the weather changes, it gets the blame for his increasing discomfort. That's what he likes to think, not that it's his deteriorating health. Now, I could spout medical/clinical reasons why his lungs/heart are getting worse. But, he cannot comprehend it. The fatigue, constant sleeping, difficulty breathing even with two oxygen supplies, memory problems, etc. can all be attributed to his pulmonary fibrosis and congestive heart failure.

Today's shower and aide day from Hospice. So a change of bedding and a cleaner "outlook" may be just what the doctor ordered for Michael. I can't say it enough - I'm so very, very grateful for Hospice.

One other person I'm particularly grateful for today and every day is my mother. After I described what happened Friday at work, her response was wonderful. "Don't let it rob you of your joy," she advised. And that has promoted the change in my attitude the last few days. I still have weepy moments, but I'm doing loads better.

All this is changing me for the better - of that I'm certain. I'm not 100 percent sure of all the things I'm to learn through this experience. But, I am learning patience, humility and that God is in charge. AND: Everything will be OK!

Love ya,
Cathy

The Need To Sew

2011-02-04T18:11:00.000-08:00

Why I need to get some serious sewing done this weekend:

-I had the day from h-e-l-l today at work.
-Counseling tonight was tough - no tears though.
-Michael had a rough day.
-It's supposed to snow tomorrow.
-I just bought five more yards of adorable cat fabric at Joann's.
-The wedding quilt needs to be done in less than a month.
-The cat quilt for my church group needs to be done in two weeks.
-My cats think all the fabric stacked in the sewing room is for their benefit only.
-My stress level definitely goes down after an hour or two of sewing.
-All those lovely pieces of fabric don't do anybody any good just stored in the sewing room.
-I have to clear out the sewing room to make room for all the things I'm going to purchase at the International Quilt Show in April.

Today's good news is from two sources:

-Andrea received her acceptance letter from UC-Raymond Walters regional campus today.
-There's a good chance Danny may be headed to Australia this summer for a college co-op program.

So, I celebrate my children's successes. How very blessed I am to have them!

Love ya,
Cathy

Phil Did Not See His Shadow!

2011-02-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

The silly ground hog in Pennsylvania did not see his shadow, so we'll get an early spring, or so goes the old theory. Spring can't come soon enough! It was so windy last night, the ice from the trees surrounding our property blew off and smacked into the house. Sounded like we were being bombed at 2 am!

I always remember that my grandmother's birthday is on February 2. So, when I was listening to the groundhog broadcast on my car radio, I wished Grandma a happy birthday in heaven. It choked me up and I cried a little - not good to bawl when you're driving down I-75 at 60 mph! LOL. Then, all of a sudden I felt like she was right next to me! Strange eh? The feeling didn't last too long, but I sure was comforted by it.

You all probably think I'm losing it, but lately I've had these feelings that people are hugging me or with me and there's no one else around. I told my mom about these episodes and she feels the same way at times. Her pastor told her once that it happens when people are praying for you - you feel oh so comfortable like when you're wrapped up in a big 'ol comfortable quilt. Good to know prayer works at least on that scale.

Back to reality: I got some more sewing done last night on the wedding quilt. Each night I sew until 1. the bobbin runs out or 2. Michael needs something. It was the latter last night.

With the weather changing for the worse the last few days, Michael has really struggled. I think the good spell he had is over at least for now. Other than that, it's a normal "Michael week" with nurses' aides and nursing visits.

Milly's back to her normal Milly-self: chewing on Sophie, jumping onto the fireplace mantel, sleeping on table runners, etc.... you know .... normal cat behavior. She's forgiven me for squirting medicine down her throat. She sat on my lap last night for an hour. Of course, that had NOTHING to do with the flannel quilt I was wrapped in. LOL

My co-workers are all asking if I'm excited that the Steelers are in the Super Bowl. For some reason I just can't get all worked up about it and may not even watch the game. For one thing, I don't want Andrea filming me whilst I'm yelling at the television and it ends up on You Tube. She had her camera ready during the Division Championship game! No kidding! This is the same kid who filmed her grandmother (my mom) dancing at my cousin's wedding in November. The title of the You Tube post? "Grammy Gone Wild!"

Love ya,
Cathy

A Bit Of Sewing

2011-01-27T07:33:00.000-08:00

Even fifteen minutes of sewing makes a huge difference! I managed to sneak away and stitch up three scarves my mom asked me to create for her. The hand-stitching needs to be done, but not bad at all for only 15 minutes.

My poor sewing room is such a disaster! I have Buckeye Bouquet squares stacked in one area, Winnie The Pooh squares on top of a half-finished Log Cabin. AND 18 half-complete squares for a Thimbleberries quilt for a wedding gift due March 3. I won't even mention the project for my church's quilting club - that's neatly tucked away in a tote bag. God created doors for a reason, so I cheerfully closed the door on my sewing room, the mess out of sight for now. SIGH!

Miss Milly is recovering from her operation and is quickly returning to her typical kitty behavior. I have to give her medicine twice a day which is rather challenging. The vet gave us pre-loaded syringes, very helpful.

So, for the time being, I'm the resident medicine dispenser gal at our house. At least I don't have to prop Michael's jaw open to slide his pills down his throat. LOL! He's a lot more willing patient than Milly is!

Yesterday was "Nursy" day for Michael. The hospice nurse paid her weekly visit and promptly ordered Michael a different oxygen concentrator. That thing is so noisy - it scares the kittens. What concerned me is the fact Michael was struggling for breath even when he just sat up in bed. This morning, Michael was sitting on the edge of the bed at 5:30 - never a good sign when he's up at that time of day. His aide will be with him today. Lovely girl - she's learned to bribe Michael into the shower with pastries from Servatti's. Seriously, she brings cakes and turnovers to him every visit and he LOVES it.

Andrea's been accepted at UC - the regional campus for the first year. She was disappointed at first that main campus wasn't offered, but she'll end up there ultimately. That's one more hurdle crossed! She's going to New Orleans with her dad for a week in early March. I think the time away will be good for her. She's been helping out with Michael so much.

I took a sneak peek at the list of vendors for the upcoming International Quilt Show in early April. WOW! No more fabric or notions shopping for this chick - I'm saving my spending money for that show - it's going to be great!

Love ya,
Cathy

Writing From The Heart

2011-01-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

Each day brings with it a different challenge. Some easier than others. Michael was having a few good days last week - he was happy and feeling OK. Even talked about spring and summer coming. He does admit that it may be wishful thinking, but it does boost his spirits better than any pill can at this point. And for him to be happy on a drab winter day is a real accomplishment.

This morning when I got to the office, I found an e-mail waiting for me from Michael:

Each day, I see my lovely little Cathy and each day I cry. I wanted to grow old with Cathy. I wanted to take her to England every couple of years to meet up with the rest of the family. The love and the laughter at these events was so much fun. We didn't dream too big did we? We weren't asking for too much? Twenty years or so to spend together. Tending the garden, mowing the lawn. Watching the odd sunset now and again.

Cathy, my love, I'm so sorry I can't make our dream come true.

But know this my dear wife - I loved you with all my heart.

He told me he was crying earlier that afternoon, and now I know why. He was writing the above.

My response:

You do not need to apologize for not making my dreams come true. Dreams alter at every stage of life and often are forgotten in the day to day scheme of things. But is nice to remember them and dust them off from time to time. And I'm pleased to say that although my dreams have changed, you are and always will be a part of them.

Sweety, you have made so many of my wishes come true and for that I will be forever grateful. I look at things vastly different now thanks to you. We have spent time in England and with your family. We have cut grass. We have seen sunsets, spectacular ones, eh? Those are memories that I will have forever.

And even though you won't be with me in person, your spirit and love will remain in my heart. I'll always have you there.

Writing e-mails back and forth was fun during the early stages in our relationship. It never dawned on me that we'd use this medium now. But it's helpful. Some of the things we shared are really too painful to speak, but much easier to write. Honestly, I couldn't speak the words mentioned above without the tears flowing.

Michael's probably the same way. He's asked me to help him dictate letters to each of his children. God give us the strength to give each of those four letters the love and respect they deserve.

Hugs,
Cathy

No Sewing

2011-01-12T06:13:00.000-08:00

Stash busting report - nope
Design wall - none to show
Fabric acquisition - 0
No mystery quilt, monochromatic quilt, no flimsies, UFOs, or PIGS worked on

S*I*G*H! The kittens spend more time in my sewing room than I have lately.

After feeling awful for a couple of days, I got checked out at an urgent care on Saturday afternoon. Yep, I had the creeping crud that's going around. Two shots in the hips (OUCH!) Two prescriptions too. I slept from 7:30 pm Saturday until 11 am Sunday! Missed church on Sunday, work on Monday and finally began feeling half-way human by that evening.

It also meant I had to keep my contact with Michael to a minimum. That was probably the toughest bit.

Monday morning Michael had another of those attacks when he feels like he's drowning and can't get any oxygen. Managed to calm him down and on more medication before the hospice nurse came by for an emergency visit. We've made some changes - he's now in a hospital bed, has a potty chair by the bed. His doctor wanted a chest x-ray, so a company was contacted which performs home x-rays. They paid us a visit last night. Michael's not doing well, folks. He confided to me that he asked God to take him home. Please keep him in your prayers.

My brother and nephew came over yesterday to tear down the king-sized bed in our bedroom to make more room for the new bed and equipment. They also cranked up the snowblower and helped Andrea clear the walk and driveway of snow....which was snow-covered again this morning. Ugh! But, I'm soooooooo grateful for Jimmy and his family's help and love. Jimmy phones me nearly every night to ask how things are going.

Keep warm and safe!

Love ya,
Cathy

Buckeye Bouquets

2011-01-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

Hooray for THE Ohio State University winning the Sugar Bowl last night. I'm glad I didn't stay up for the entire game since the ending would have stressed me out to the max and little sleep if any would have been possible.

In honor of my Alma mater, I began working on a quilt last weekend - pattern is named Buckeye Bouquet. I've completed all the required 300 squares and hopefully will start piecing them together this evening. There are several other projects on the go as well - one is an Eeyore quilt for Andrea, who needs to instruct me on block placement before I go any further.

The sewing has proven to be an excellent stress relief the last few days when I've managed to sneak in an hour or two in the sewing room. That's not always possible. I can't hear Michael from the sewing room so I may move my sewing machine and desk into the family room for the time being.

The last several days haven't been too bad for Michael. He actually found the energy to sit at the dinner table on Sunday and Monday nights. However, he did fall asleep sitting at the table after the meals. His appetite just isn't there any more and there are times he barely touches what we've prepared. In addition to the electric-based oxygen supply, he now needs a portable tank whenever he walks to the bathroom or kitchen. Even with two lines, he still struggles and has to take it slow. No wonder he rarely ventures out of the bedroom. He had his evening meal in bed last night - the home health care aide visited yesterday and showering, although it feels excellent to be clean, wears him out. His attitude has dramatically improved since Thanksgiving -very few angry outbursts. I attribute that to his acceptance of God and him finally realizing what a stress his situation has placed on the entire family.

Sophie, the little kitten we adopted last fall, spends a lot of time in bed with Michael during the day. There have been plenty of times I see Sophie's little black head pop up on the pillow next to Michael. She always makes him smile too! I'm sure if he were healthy and able, he'd spoil that kitten rotten.

Tattoo Boy's birthday is this Saturday - he's supposed to let me know what he wants me to cook and we're having a meal at home so Michael can participate. One thing he's certain of - He wants a chocolate chip cheesecake.

So, not much new at Chez Howe. We're just trying to make the best of each day as it comes.

Love ya,
Cathy

Happy New Year 2011!

2010-12-31T07:49:00.000-08:00

Despite Michael's deteriorating health, I'm doing my best to ring in the new year with a positive attitude and an eye toward my future. Whatever God has planned for me will enrich my life here in earth. The pain Michael and I are experiencing now will make all the future happier times so much more enjoyable - his in heaven. That fact alone makes me smile: an enormous change just in the last few months.

So, with that in mind, here are my hopes and goals for 2011:

-to make Michael's last days on earth as comfortable as possible
-once he enters our Father's loving arms, to remember the good times and celebrate the life he had
-appreciate and love my family more through actions and words
-pray more
-study God's word more
-participate in more activities at church
-cherish existing friendships and cultivate new ones
-stick to the budget (toughie)
-exercise more (yuch)
-plan healthier meals
-keep sewing room tidier
-quilt at least one flimsy every month

I think that's enough to keep me occupied. LOL!

Seriously, I wish you the happiest, healthiest and best of New Years. Let's make 2011 one of our best!

I love you all,
Cathy

Better Days

2010-12-29T16:10:00.000-08:00

I found this photo amongst the stored pictures in our computer. This was probably taken at the Pops on the Lawn concert several years ago. No oxygen tubes, no wheelchair - just funny faces and Michael's goofy summer hat.

Wrapping It Up

2010-12-28T08:58:00.000-08:00

I sincerely hope and pray that you all had a very blessed Christmas. Mine was unusual compared to those of the past, but nonetheless it was probably one of the best I've had. My children were home with me most of the time. We shared our holiday with my brother and his lovely family. AND I kept my concentration on the reason for the season. For those reasons, I greatly enjoyed Christmas.

Michael managed to sit through dinner with my brother's family on Christmas Eve. He also made it through opening presents on Christmas morning before returning to bed. He slept all day, only getting up in time for dinner. Even then, he ate very little. But, since the kids were at their grandparents' home, it afforded us an opportunity to talk about some things which required a bit of privacy. One that was foremost in my mind was to let him know that it was OK to let go. He doesn't need to "hang on" just for me or anybody else. We're all going to be OK and he understood/agreed. The hospice nurse wanted me to make sure he knew that since his will can be rather strong. Michael also told me that if euthanasia were legal he would have opted for it months ago. The poor man is suffering, perhaps not a physical pain most minutes, and he wants to leave this world.

Several nights before Christmas, I had to phone Hospice late at night because he was experiencing severe pain in his hands and arms. The nurse was at the house 15 minutes after the phone call. (I'm continually amazed by the care we receive from that organization.) Michael's experiencing all the signs and symptoms of congestive heart failure.

My prayer for Michael is that he can leave this world by simply going to sleep - it's what he wants - painless.

Martin was not able to visit on Boxing Day as the poor man is experiencing health issues of his own.

The children seemed to really liked the gifts they received this year. Andrea was overcome with emotion when I gave her my engagement diamond reset in a necklace. And, the best part for me is that only one gift has to be returned! My aunt and uncle in Memphis were thrilled by their gift - the Steelers quilt I made for them. Mom and Ken liked their new tabletopper. All in all a good gifting year. I get a lot of joy from giving people things they like.

It should be a hectic work week being the year-end cut off for our producers. Hoping to get out of the office at a reasonable hour on Friday since Andrea and Danny will be joining me for a dinner out at BD's Mongolian grill. Our annual New Year's Eve tradition of Chinese buffet is being altered since our favorite place closed and we love the new grill. Depending on how Michael is doing, we'll bring him a plate of his favorite sweet and sour chicken and then greet the new year at home. Boring yes, but enjoyable for me. Danny will probably leave our party for one more of his speed and Andrea wants her best friend to stay overnight.

I'll try to post later this week on my goals and hopes for 2011. It holds me accountable. For 2010, I wanted to become more active in the church and I'm happy to report that resolution stuck more than any other I've ever made. It's "paid back" immeasurably.

Love ya,
Cathy

Surprised

2010-12-22T06:23:00.001-08:00

First off, I apologize for not posting very frequently. The last few weeks have been hectic to say the least.

Last night I was rushing around, trying to get dinner clean up completed so I could start sewing or wrapping gifts when my brother phoned. He asked if I was going to be home; he wanted to come over for a few minutes to drop something off. I figured it was a tray of cookies or some other treat my sister-in-love baked. When Jimmy and Willie (my nephew) arrived at the house, Jimmy asked me and Andrea to come to the garage that he needed help.

Waiting right outside the garage was a brand new shiny Toro snowblower!!!! They filled it with fuel, started it and said, "Here, Cathy - try it out, it's yours!" Once again, the tears began to flow. I simply cannot believe the kindness a lot of people have extended to me over the last month. These "bright rays of kindness" have warmed my days immeasurably. It's not something I even thought about asking for - folks simply did things which they knew would bring a bit of comfort to me and my kids.

I truly believe God is showing me these days don't need to be gloomy. His people are all around me and are shining examples of His love. I once was fearful of being alone and now I know I won't be. Perhaps that's what God wants me to learn from all of this.

Michael's condition is no better. Simply taking a shower yesterday wore him out despite the best efforts of his home health care aide. (That woman is a saint!) He had another spell where his throat closed up and he felt like he was drowning. Mercifully, he sleeps a lot most of the days. One of my co-workers bought him a bottle of English beer to enjoy over the holidays - a real treat for Michael usually. I don't think beer and morphine mix well. I may have to enjoy it myself. - real hardship there! LOL........

We have a busy few days ahead of us - Danny's coming home with my grand-dog (Luka). My kids and I are going to Jimmy's house on Thursday night for my sister-in-love's family gathering. The Gumberts have taken us into their family lately, so we're honorary Gumberts! Friday night, Jimmy and family will be at our house for our annual Christmas Eve gathering. I'm making two different kinds of chili, Karen's bringing sub sandwiches. Simple, warm food on what's sure to be a chilly evening. The kids will probably leave for their grandparents' house in Columbus after opening their gifts and having breakfast on Christmas morning, leaving Michael and I to ourselves for a few hours. We've also asked some of Michael's friends to come over for the 26th (Boxing Day).

Looking forward to it all.

Have a very wonderful, happy Christmas!

Hugs,

Cathy

The Gift

2010-12-10T05:02:00.000-08:00

The other day Andrea and I went shopping and chatted about Christmas gifts. She, like me, gets more of a "kick" giving presents to people than receiving a gift for ourselves. But, let me tell you, the parcel I got yesterday put that philosophy to test.

Thursday was typical of what I'm calling my "new normal". It included a frustrating lunch hour walking the aisles at Home Depot looking for materials for the new floor going into the bathroom. (Who knew a person would need so much C-R-A-P just to have somebody lay a vinyl floor?) I had also spent much of the morning in an anxious mood since I couldn't reach Michael on the phone until 11:45. His new health care aide was supposed to start visiting him yesterday and of course he gave me a lot of grief about it. (Pray he doesn't fire this one!) After work: a quick stop to see my sister-in-love to pick up a ticket for the church's Christmas pageant, grocery shopping and then home to fix dinner. Dinner in the oven, I noticed two boxes stacked by the front door. One, I knew was some things I ordered for Andrea. The other?

It was a lovely quilt with matching pillowcase my on-line quilting buddies created for me. I stood in the kitchen with the quilt draped over my arms and sobbed. This quilt has to be the most unexpected, loving thing anybody has ever done for me. The card with the gift said they can't be here in person to provide comfort, a quilt made with love is the next best thing. And the back of the quilt is signed with all their names - ten gals from across the US and Canada.

It was a while before I could compose myself and show the quilt to Michael. He agreed it was a truly beautiful gift and my friends were indeed special.

I knew that already.

**************

Michael didn't fire the home health aide (a miracle!) He wasn't feeling up to a full shower, but the aide washed his hair. He sleeps most of the time these days, and is beginning to experience things which indicate a he's ready to leave this world. When he is awake, he struggles for breath despite the oxygen machine at its maximum setting. I spend a lot of my evenings and weekends fetching pills, making proper British tea, adjusting oxygen settings and serving his meals in bed.

Very little sewing, although I have a quilt on the frame right now that has to be finished by next Saturday. AND, there's another small quilt that needs to be quilted in time for a Christmas gift. I should be able to finish both with time to spare whilst Michael sleeps this weekend. Andrea's going to Columbus with her dad.

Before last night, it was tough for me to get into the Christmas frame of mind. I think I'll drag all the decorations out tonight and get started.

Love ya,
Cathy

A Different Direction

2010-12-01T10:38:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. We had a quiet one with just me, Michael, Andrea, Danny and Danny's girlfriend. The turkey's still not gone, which Sophie thinks is wonderful. (Never seen a kitten eat like her!)

The biggest news concerns Michael. He accepted Jesus on Saturday! Words cannot express how much of a burden has been lifted with that faith statement. His eldest daughter, Leah, wrote him a heartfelt letter in which she told him to read specific sections of the Bible. I read them out loud to him and then asked the question, "Do you believe?" after reading. After all these years, I expected to hear the same old stock answer from him. But prayers have worked, my friends. Don't ever doubt that!!!!

In the health area: worse. He felt so poorly by Saturday night he wanted me to admit him to the in-patient unit at Hospice. I told him, let's wait until tomorrow to see how you feel. Fortunately, he did feel better. Unfortunately, I told Leah about it via an e-mail. She phoned after church and couldn't stop crying the entire time we talked. The last few days have been OK for Michael: sleeping a lot, very little physical activity. It's tough for him to even talk on the phone. His hospice nurse explained that he's maxed out on the oxygen - any more would be useless since his lungs aren't capable of processing the exchange. I asked the nurse last Wednesday if she thought his lungs were worse and she said decidedly so. I was quiet for a few seconds and she continued, "I don't know how much longer he has."

I know many of you believe in and pray to our God consistently. Pray for a quick and painless change for Michael from this life into God's loving arms. Both he and I pray for that. I know it's a different direction, but it's what we think is best for Michael.

There are times I want to go into my sewing room, shut the door and not leave. Sewing is my daily therapy, time permitting. The kittens have discovered how much they can get into in that room, so many times I have to "enforce" the rules mid-seam. Believe it or not, work has been good therapy for me as well. It's a different type of lunacy and my girlfriends at the office are extremely supportive.

It's difficult to even think about Christmas shopping (Usually have most of it done by now.) Andrea and I are going to decorate the house after the cleaning lady does her work on Friday. It'll give Milly and Sophie something else to destroy other than my batting pile!

Love ya,
Cathy

Update and Explanation

2010-11-11T06:02:00.000-08:00

First of all, no, I have not morphed into a cat. I started a blog written as if I were my kitten Milly. Check it out if you need a bit of silliness.

Sewing? Yes, I've gotten some done, but very little. After I completed the wedding quilt, my sewing room looked like a fabric bomb exploded in it. First order of business was to get the area looking respectable and workable. Accomplished! By then, it was time to pack and leave for our Memphis adventure.

First - watched "Little Shop of Horrors" at the high school. My nephew, Wesley, played the shop owner and did a fantastic job singing and dancing whilst being "eaten" by the infamous Audrey II.

Andrea and I flew to Memphis early last Friday morning. Exciting stuff for us gals who rarely leave Ohio. My cousin, PJ, married the girl of his dreams on Saturday. In between all the wedding festivities, we toured Beale Street, visited with family we haven't seen in years and ate too much (of course!) It felt WONDERFUL getting away from the home front pressures for three days. I was happy and at ease.

Michael wasn't far from my thoughts, however. I arranged for people to be with him and stocked the house with all his favorite foods. At first, he was cranky and took it out on Andrea before we left. (She's barely speaking to him still and I can't blame her for that.) He soaked in all the attention from his visitors and was as sweet at he could be be with them. Thus far this week, he's not been good. His oxygen needs have increased dramatically (up to nine liters on the ten liter machine that we obtained just a month or so ago). He stayed in bed for most of Tuesday - I served him dinner in bed. He fired his home health care aide last week, which irritated both me and his nurse. It was obvious by Sunday night that he hadn't showered for days - he smelled bad! So, I stripped his bed Monday morning, washed everything and told him there was no way he was getting into that ultra-clean bed stinking like a pole cat. It took him 90 minutes, but he did get showered. I'm not helping. If he refuses the help I hired for him, then he can do it on his own and struggle.

During the wedding reception, I talked with a cousin who was diagnosed with the same disease Michael has. He's taking the same medications Michael was five years ago. What anguish I felt for him since I KNOW what lies ahead. He knows now that he can phone or e-mail if there is anything I can do to help.

So, try as I might, the "glow" from the trip is wearing off. The counselor I've been seeing recommended I take time off every now and then, just a day or even a few hours at a time, to do something for myself. It's tough when my husband doesn't recognize its importance and accuses me of abandoning him. She also suggested I hire a cleaning lady, which I've done beginning next week!

Got to sew for 30 minutes last night and how fantastic did that feel! Working on a Bento Box quilt for the quilt contest at Joann's. Andrea chose the fabrics and once the blocks are together, she will help with placement. She claims if I win a prize, she gets to keep it. We'll see.....

Love to you all,
Cathy

Kindness And Rays of Sunshine

2010-10-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I mentioned contacting Mason Cares for a bit of help with the yard work - a few big logs to be moved and weeds in the flower bed. At 9 am Saturday, 20 + people arrived at my house armed with leaf blowers, rakes, and just about every garden tool imaginable. Several women brought ready to heat meals for us. For three hours, these "angels" worked on the yard, weeding, mowing, cutting, installing a window well cover, re-stacking firewood, you name it - they did it. When the mulch I purchased the previous night proved to not be enough, the team leader picked up a truck full of the stuff and told me I owed him nothing. The little children in the group sat on my porch and made cards for us. Both Michael and I were in tears by the loving kindness shown to us by these volunteers. Our yard is now ready for winter and looks fantastic. I am so very, very grateful and in awe that so many people helped us. I'm still smiling four days later.

With a lot of anxiety, Andrea and I met with the team at school on Monday morning to get her transitioned back into high school. As the meeting progressed, Andrea's voice became more sure, the hand wringing lessened and I may have even spotted a smile or two. It's evident they're supporting her and doing whatever is possible to help my daughter - not just performing their jobs...they came across truly caring. The past few days have been uneventful and even happy ones for her and I. Let's pray it continues.

Unfortunately, the warm glow created by the volunteers didn't last long for Michael. He was back to being a cranky, fussy git by Monday. As one friend mentioned to me this morning - that's nothing new. LOL. The home health care aide came to the house on Monday and was told he didn't need no stinkin' shower. So, she folded laundry. Today? I'm not sure, but when I return home, I'm sure to hear about it. The nurse came today as well, so add that to the list of issues - no more than one visitor a day - otherwise, it's too much, according to Michael. He slept most of yesterday - not even bothering to dress - wore his bathrobe all day. That's a biggie folks. Dressing is too much of a strain. So is showering, but his pride won't stand aside. Somehow he forgets about the choking and gasping with every shower/shave.

Toward the middle of last week, Michael heard a bird splat against our picture window in the breakfast nook. It happens all the time, but he still looked out the window - no bird, but he heard a soft "Meow" coming from the covered gas grill. The "noise" walked around the patio and he caught it on film - a tiny black and white kitten. By the time I came home from work, no sign of the kitten on the patio, so Andrea and I walked around. The poor thing fell into the window well and couldn't get out. Andrea scooped it up, I phoned the vet and somewhere between all that, we adopted a second kitten. Her name is Sophie. Sophie's still getting used to us and meows a lot. She's about six weeks old now and finds it hard to fend off Milly's play. I hear as Sophie gets older, the constant meowing will lessen and she will play with Milly without seeming to get her head bitten off. (Milly's too used to rough play with Daisy.) There is definitely something to be said for loving pets though -takes your mind off your own troubles. Andrea's responsible for Sophie and truly, truly loves that little kitten.

Well, that's it in a nutshell. Things brightened up around us. I'm feeling a bit less stressed and more rested. Let's hope that's a continuing trend.

Love ya,
Cathy

My Time

2010-10-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Spent between caring for a dying husband and a daughter recovering from an eating disorder, my time is very precious.

My weekend was partially consumed with shopping with Andrea, which at first I felt guilty about. But, when you think about it, it is something she greatly enjoys and gives her happiness. In a way, it is helping her to return to being healthy and feeling "normal". She's turning into quite the clothes/shoes consumer, let me tell you. AND, she knows how to spot a bargain. We each bought at least two new outfits for my cousin's wedding and rehearsal dinner the first weekend in November. (Our plane tickets are also purchased for that event, really looking forward to it!)

Michael had a melt-down on Saturday night. He insisted on cutting his own hair and trimming his beard, which he has done for decades. Something which once came so easily is now a life-threatening effort. He cried for an hour about losing life bit by bit. He wants to die and who can blame him? When I phoned the house this morning, he was of the same mind-set and begged me to phone his hospice volunteer and cancel for this afternoon. I refused to do it, stating it may make him feel better. He tends to perk up when there are other folks around, as if to impress them and be a bit of a performer. And you know what, I was right! He sounded a lot better this afternoon. I phoned his hospice nurse who is going to have the respiratory therapist stop at the house. We're also going to set up visits from home health care aides from now on. It's time.

I read an ad in the weekly paper about an organization called Mason Serves which helps with work around the house. I phoned them this morning and we may ask them to do some of the chores in the yard which Danny unfortunately didn't have the time to get to this summer. I've never had to ask for help with my home, so making that phone call this morning made me swallow my pride a bit. But there are things I cannot do - such as the big logs in the middle of the yard, the well cover on the foundation window, etc. Things which Michael could have done three years ago.....

Me? I did a bit of quilting on the frame. My goal is to get the current project on the frame quilted by this time next week, so that will give me plenty of time for the hand sewing on the binding. There's a quilters' meeting at church tonight I've love to attend, but things being what they are with Michael, I may skip it. Depends on how he and Andrea are doing.

Andrea is supposed to transition back to school this week. Please keep her in your prayers. She's quite anxious about returning.

And while you're at it, remember me in your prayers. At times I feel like my foundation is cracking, but then I remember how many of you, my co-workers, Sunday School classmates, family are praying for me. Just that thought envelopes me in a warm feeling, like God is wrapping a very soft quilt across my shoulders. It's then that I don't feel so alone.

Love ya,
Cathy

Answer To Prayer

2010-10-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

Michael's turning to God.

He told me last night he is praying. Didn't say what he was praying for, but the communication lines are open! When I talked with Martin on the phone, he confided to me that Michael discussed his blossoming belief in God with him. He's reaching out, Martin said, before he meets his maker!

How wonderful is that! He's yet to discuss it in depth with me. Perhaps a bit embarrassed by doing such an about-face (so to speak). But, I'm so happy to hear about it!

Michael and I did talk about hope and faith in God briefly after he told me about the praying. If it gives him hope - that is fantastic. Things will get better, I said, perhaps not in this lifetime for him, but they will get better.

I slept well last night.

We went out for dinner last night at the local Chinese buffet. It may have been Michael's last trip to that favorite restaurant since he greatly struggled getting his dinner (he didn't want anybody to fetch his meal!) and getting into the car for the trip home. He even declined a trip into Big Lots - his favorite store - even in a wheelchair. After dinner, we watched "Shutter Island" - horrible film. I think we need more comedies on our Netflix list!

Andrea seemed in better spirits when I left her this morning. At least she was talking with me! I removed the scales from her room - found them hidden in her closet - and the therapist said to get them out. Her doctor increased the dosage on one of her meds and she slept well last night as well. Milly slept in her bed - those two are getting quite attached to each other.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
Phillipians 4:6-7

Love ya,
Cathy

October Up-Date

2010-10-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Folks,
It's almost gotten to the point where I don't want to post any longer because the news gets progressively worse with both Michael and Andrea.

Andrea experienced a set-back in her dealings with purging and cutting. I took her back to the Lindner Center of Hope on Thursday night and they kept her overnight. She's now in the out-patient program there - who knows for how long. I suppose that depends on my insurance and what they're willing to pay for. She's adamant that she's fat at 119 pounds (5'4") and NOBODY is going to convince her otherwise. She's hiding her food on the tray at the center and I will have to point that out to the nutritionist. The cutting? I think she does it to handle stress. But I cannot for the life of me understand why she has such a low opinion of herself. I wept a lot the last few days.

Meanwhile, Michael's downhill slide continues. Two more prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy tonight. At the moment, he's sleeping on a chair on the front porch (it's 5 pm). We were almost to the point where I couldn't handle his crap any longer and told him I wanted him to return to England. Not his choice. After discussing the situation with his friend Martin (a fellow Brit) I came to the conclusion that he probably wouldn't handle the travel well and wouldn't last long in the crappy English weather. So, he's going to stay here. I told him that if he took his anger and frustrations out on me and Andrea again, we're leaving for a hotel or my brother's house until he cools off. Neither one of us deserves being poorly treated. But it's until death do us part.......And what kind of example would I be setting for Andrea if I booted him back across the pond? Also, his eldest daughter is backtracking on her offer to take him in. According to her, once she thought about it, his quality of life would be poor - no central heat, confined to one or two rooms (small ones at that), no way to go anywhere, etc.......Frankly, I'm upset by her backtracking, but what can I do?

The saving grace this week is the presence of Michael's youngest daughter and her boyfriend. It's too bad they're leaving on Friday. I dread how he's going to be when they leave.

I returned to work after a week off and found it helped me. For a few hours I can try to forget about the stress from home. At least until the cell phone rings.....

I finished two quilts last week. Seems my company liked to sleep in until 11. I got up with Andrea, saw her off to school and sewed until the visitors got out of bed. A third quilt is on the frame now, but it likely won't be finished until next week. My bed's in the sewing room at the moment.

Sleep is definitely something I need right now. I tried sleeping with Michael - he's noisier than ever. Even with the ear plugs it was impossible to sleep with the man. Then I slept with Andrea a few nights after she returned from Lindner. I kept her awake, it seemed. I was on the sofa this morning at 3 am - wrapped up in a quilt and trying to sleep when Milly pounced on me. Eventually she settled into a spot on the quilt, but I got very little rest last night. I put one of the extra twin bed mattresses we have on the floor of the sewing room when I got home from work tonight. It's just for four more nights. I slept ok like that when Margaret was here last summer.

It's so hard to stay positive with all that's going on. I try. Skipped church on Sunday since I was so tired and sleep deprived - curled up on the sofa and didn't wake until 11! That is REALLY odd for me. Usually 9 am is late. So, I didn't get my usual dose of optimism through Christ Jesus on Sunday. I'll get it through self-study this week.

Please keep us all in your prayers. I do believe things will get better, hopefully soon!
Love ya,
Cathy

Tidings On Thursday

2010-09-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

The kindness of people around us continues to amaze me. Especially in the high school counseling department. After a lot of planning and discussion, Andrea's guidance counselor and social worker arrived at a plan which will enable her to drop the classes which are creating intolerable stress, pick up a couple of classes on the computer, change one class to a different period and finish school by the end of November. I think the weight of the world was lifted off that girl's shoulders! Andrea seemed so much better last night, I cried. This morning was a bit different - she didn't sleep well - anxious about facing the changes today. But, once she gets into the new routine, I believe she'll be fine.

Michael seems better too. The hospice nurse increased his anxiety meds and he has a new oxygen machine with more power - the levels on the old machine were lower. I am concerned the changes being made are heralding a decline in his health. We all knew that was coming though. It's one think to talk/think about it; another to go through it.

Thank God for bringing Milly into our family. That little kitten has done more to lift our spirits than any medication ever could. She's an absolute bundle of energy - so fun to watch her scamper throughout the house. Daisy's become quite attached to her - the two of them play together now. Last week when we had to take Milly to the vet twice, Daisy became so agitated. Poor kitty had an adverse reaction to the booster shot. She's fine- a steroid shot did the trick.

So, I'm slowly becoming more hopeful about everything. My stomach's only tied in two knots today. LOL. No sewing last night - we didn't get home until close to 8 because of eye doctor appointments for me, Andrea and Tattoo Boy. New factoid: Did you know it was possible to have freckles on your eye? Well, I do! Bad news: I have a tiny cataract forming on my left eye - the doc wasn't concerned and said we'll just monitor it for now. Not affecting my vision.

The song running through my head this morning: "Great is Thy Faithfulness"

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy Faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided -
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Love ya,
Cathy

Halloween's A-Coming

2010-09-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

I unpacked all my Halloween quilts and put them on the dining room table before I decided where to put them around the house.

Guess who found them?

Finding Daily Strength

2010-09-27T08:21:00.000-07:00

Although I was off work all last week, it wasn't the easiest of times for me. It was sheer heaven getting up early, seeing Andrea off to school and then sewing until Michael decided to get out of bed. I managed to put together a good amount of items to sell at the craft fair. The unfortunate bit was poor attendance at the event. Still, it was a good time and Andrea enjoyed it too. We'll try to do another fair soon.

I'm struggling with how to word what lays so heavily on my heart at the moment. Michael's anger has affected us all. He has said some extremely hateful things to me and Andrea. One problem with that is how it affects Andrea whose self-esteem is so low. She cut herself the Sunday before last in an effort to handle all her stressors. At least she found the strength to come get me before it got out of hand. Her counselor thinks she needs out-patient care so I've contacted Lindner Center again. A break from the daily grind may help her.

Meanwhile, Andrea and Michael are not talking with each other at all. Michael feels he has done nothing wrong - he is no worse than any other dying man. (I beg to differ with him on this subject!) I am on edge constantly when I am around him - knowing what I say or do will set him off without warning. I talked with my brother and he's agreed to let Andrea and I stay at their house if things get too much for us. The hospice social worker told him he needs to find another way to handle his anger, but that went in one ear and out the other.

So, my pals, it's not too easy at the moment. If it wasn't for my faith, family, and sewing (of course!) I would be g-o-n-e.

I finished a quilt to donate for a raffle to raise money for a co-worker's medical costs. Sure hope it makes a difference. Next on tap - two quilts for buddies at work - for hire. They're all pieced. Then I have to quilt my cousin's wedding quilt - it's all pieced as well. So, loads of time on the frame for me in the immediate future. That's when and if I can grab the time.

I think I've used this quote before on my blog, but it bears repeating:

Our broken lives are not lost or useless. God's love is still working. He comes in and takes the calamity and uses it victoriously, working out his wonderful plan of love.
-Eric Liddell

Keeping my eye on that victory and love!

Love ya,
Cathy

Keeping At It

2010-09-17T07:36:00.000-07:00

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus
Philippians 4:6-7

How empowering is that? I have read and re-read that verse every day this week. It's powerful stuff and the joy it brings me is immeasurable.

It hasn't been an easy week. Andrea's stressed out by the demands of AP Art and being a senior. She signed up for the ACT exam and had a melt-down when she learned the test would take up half of a precious Saturday. I cannot shield the girl from the demands of college planning and preparation. She needs to grow up in her understanding that if you want something out of this life, there are things which need to be done or paid for up front.

Michael has calmed down a bit, although he refused to accept the help anxiety medication provides. The hospice nurse offered it; he declined. I'm grateful that I will have the opportunity to meet with the nurse in person next week. Together, we may be able to convince Michael to accept the help that is available. He is concerned that his oxygen generator is not providing enough for his lungs and it's max'ed out. We may have to obtain another or a second machine. This may require another trip for pulmonary function testing - something Michael has also refused in the past. He has written "letters" to both my children and my mother - content unknown. But, I get the feeling that these "letters" posted via Facebook are to say good-bye. I don't think the kids or Mom have read them yet - nobody's mentioned them to me.

I have a pretty upbeat mood at the moment. I'm off work all next week to get some sewing done for the craft fair next Saturday and to get the house ready for fall (cleaning, organizing, etc.) The thing that helps me the most these days is prayer. I talk with God every morning on the way to work - just a conversation - trust me, I don't close my eyes during the drive! LOL. Some people are prayer walkers, I'm a prayer driver!

Milly has taken to a spot on the dining room table, so we will need to start "telling" her that's not appropriate spot for a proper kitty. Meaning: I have to find a cheap-o water pistol. Another one of her favorite things to do is climb up the legs of our jeans. The debate to de-claw or not rages on at Chez Howe. Milly also got bold enough to pounce on old Daisy. I don't think she'll be doing that again for a while!

One of the projects I'll be working on next week is a quilt for a raffle at the office. One of my co-workers was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year. Our horrible health insurance is not covering all her expenses, so we're doing a variety of things to raise some funds to help her out. The quilt raffle was my idea. I have the top all pieced - will order the backing and thread today so I should be able to get it loaded on the frame by Tuesday. I know one week is not going to take care of all the projects I have!

Last night, Andrea, me and Andrea's best friend re-organized the family room, put on a yoga DVD and for 45 minutes the three of us exercised together. I'm extremely proud that I made it through the routine for one thing. Additionally, it was nice to do something with both of the girls. I really hope we can keep it up. AND - Michael was a gentleman (for once) and didn't make rude comments or make fun of us.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Love ya,
Cathy

Looking Back At The Weekend That Was

2010-09-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

Here were the bright spots for my weekend:

-Attended the quilt show at the Sharonville Convention Center on Saturday. Bought some fat quarters and a new stencil
-Spent some time at Sew Ezy - they have a list of fantastic classes for this fall and I'd love to take one or two of them. Also found the variegated thread that I need for a quilt.
-Worshipped and prayed for two hours at church yesterday. My pals in Sunday School are becoming so important to me. What did I do before I started attending class?
-Shopped at Wal Mart with Andrea and her friend Jordan.
-Sewed in between all the events and Michael's "spats".

I had a conversation this morning with Michael's social worker from Hospice about Michael's hateful attitude and verbal abuse toward me and Andrea. I also wanted them to be aware of an event that happened yesterday. He took it upon himself to move an air compressor from one side of the garage to the other in the hopes of pumping up a tire on his truck. The physical work taxed his lungs to the point where he didn't think he was getting any oxygen. Then, he began to have a panic attack - worst one I've seen him have. He "rushed" into the house and screamed that he wasn't getting any air and grabbed his portable oxygen unit. I ran to get the morphine and "panic" pills. Between all that, he wet himself and it took 15 minutes to get his breathing under control. Then, he wept uncontrollably for a while. I don't know whether he cried from fear or his inability to do anything around the house. I believe the former, but he won't admit it. It's so difficult to see him like that. Also, difficult was the verbal abuse he spat at me and Andrea when we drove to dinner on Saturday night. I won't repeat what was said, but rest assured it was not a happy meal. Andrea and I talked over dinner, but anytime we asked him a question or tried to engage him in conversation he ignored us.

The social worker noted all these events and promised to report them to his nurse who is scheduled to visit on Wednesday. We may have to change his medication or increase what he's currently taking. She also agreed to have a pulmonary therapist visit him at home to go over the workings of the oxygen concentrator and portable machine especially the portable one since he struggles so when using it. I felt genuinely better after speaking with Lynn. She was appreciative of the call too since she thought Michael was "pulling the wool" over her eyes during their in-person conversations. He's no exactly upfront with the Hospice workers which I can understand. To him, it's admitting weaknesses. To me, it's asking for much needed help and he can't see that.

Andrea and I are taking a yoga class at the Community Center tonight. I have the Advil ready for myself. (LOL) Wednesday night is college admissions strategy lecture at the high school. Saturday, my college roommate and her husband are supposed to drive here and go to the riverboat dinner/cruise downtown. I'm not committing one way or the other about Michael. It's a minute by minute thing with him and he's already made it clear he didn't want to eat dinner on the boat - takes precious time away from viewing the scenery. Plus, he's hyper-sensitive about being seen in public in a wheelchair with the portable oxygen. So, it's a full week. I've scheduled some PTO time next week and am hopeful of getting a lot of quilting done in time for the craft fair.

Not all rainbows and kittens in Chez Howe. Just one kitten and she's doing her darnedest to keep us smiling.

Love ya,
Cathy

Serenity Now

2010-09-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

Peace and tranquility rule today in Chez Howe. "Bad boy" Michael is very contrite. He knows how poorly he treated me and Andrea and is acting much better for the time being. I owe a lot of that to Michael's friend Martin.

You see, Martin and I "chat" on Facebook most nights. Martin truly loves Michael and wants an honest appraisal how his bestest buddy is doing. He also serves as a sounding board for my feelings and if Martin thinks Michael has been abusive, he lets Michael know in no uncertain terms. (Are all Englishmen brutally honest?) I believe that's happened. Like some men, Michael doesn't take what his wife says to heart. But if he hears the same thing from a guy - WHAMMO - it hits home.

Michael has never had and kept a lot of friends. Martin is probably the only friend Michael has so it's unfortunate that sometimes my spouse treats his buddy poorly. He moans about Martin's stupidity, lack of model train skills, poor money handling, etc., etc., etc. Michael's eldest daughter, Leah, told me that she doesn't remember her dad ever having buddies the whole time she was living at home. Sad. I don't know what I would do without my buddies - both via the internet and in person. Little wonder Michael feel so lost and alone - no faith in God and no buds.

Andrea stayed home from school today - she had a major art project due and was no where near completion because she kept changing her mind on the topic. I permitted her brother to "skip" school one time for the same reason, so she asked for the same treatment. It's 2:30 and the project is done! I'm anxious to see it - she did a pencil drawing of herself as an infant - and it was looking fantastic last night. She is so talented, but has little faith in her abilities. We're working on that.

Mark Lipinski was supposed to be at the quilt show in Sharonville this weekend, but as many of you know, Mark is battling polycystic kidney disease and is on the transplant list. He cannot be more than four hours away from home right now. Keep him in your prayers.

Well, I was resigned NOT to attend the show, but one of the quilts I'm working on would look fantastic with a variegated thread which I'd either have to order via internet or pick up at the show. Being that I'd prefer to SEE/TOUCH the thread first to make sure it suits the quilt, I may be headed to Sharonville.

Tattoo Boy had another one of his art pieces in a gallery show this weekend. His phone "blew up" again, so I have no way to get in touch with him other than Facebook and he doesn't log in there very often. So, I have no idea what gallery, times, etc. I'd love to see his work.

So, things are serene for now. I can certainly get used to them staying this way.

Love ya,
Cathy

A Better Day Ahead

2010-09-09T06:36:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a kitten to cuddle to take the rough edges off life!

Happy Two Week Anniversary with us, Milly Bean!

A Long Night

2010-09-09T03:48:00.000-07:00

Michael can be extremely cruel to Andrea and I at times.

That was pretty evident last night.

She and I drove to the community center to get a calendar for fitness classes in the hopes of finding a beginning yoga class we could take together. By the time we returned (20 minutes later), Michael was seething and accused us of of purposely cooking up excuses for leaving the house. He's lonely, he bellowed. To which Andrea replied that she's lonely during the day at times despite being surrounded by people at school. Then he said something really cruel to Andrea which I hope she didn't hear because by that time she was halfway to her room. (It's a coping mechanism she's developed - find a safe spot away from it all.) I told him he was totally out of line.

Not willing to fight/argue, I told Michael in total sarcasm, "Yes, you're right we look for things to do outside home to get away from you."

His response, "Fix me a cup of tea." The rest of the night before bedtime was tense. I reminded him that my brother and his best friend want to spend time with him, but he's pushed them aside. (Don't like Martin - he's an idiot. I have nothing in common with your brother.) He's jealous of the time I spend with Andrea - his needs are more important than hers, he claimed So, I sat in the family room with him, listened to him and watched the inane television shows he likes (South Park and Tosh.0) and then excused myself to get ready for bed.

I had trouble getting to sleep so I read some more of Carol Kent's book that I mentioned yesterday. Was it ever meant for me! The chapter began with a quote from Eric Liddell: "Our broken lives are not lost or useless. God's love is still working. He comes in and takes the calamity and uses it victoriously working out his wonderful plan of love."

It's pretty apparent that Michael doesn't have a clue about redemption - to help in overcoming something detrimental. The anger in him oozes onto us and somehow we have to find a way to rise above the gooey bits. Even in this situation, as Ms. Kent, pointed out, we can experience a spiritual and emotional empowerment. I can certainly help Andrea toward this as well.

What about Michael though? Anger and stubbornness are two of his traits which never were endearing, but at the moment they seem to be possessing him more and more. As he pointed out again to me last night, he's dying. Wouldn't we want to say in the future that we helped him, he asked. My position is this, how does he want to be remembered?

Right now, the answer to that one is not nice.

I gotta get to work. Sorry for the tone of this post today. I had to get it off my back, so to speak.

Love ya,
Cathy

Crime and Discussion

2010-09-08T06:42:00.000-07:00

I had to commit a crime to get to work today. No, not the typical speeding down I-75. I forgot my corporate ID. Another employee was kind of enough to let me into the building, but then insisted he "escort" me to the security desk. WHAT? I've worked here for nearly ten years and this is the first time I forgot my ID. Did that warrant being treated like a criminal? OK, got to the security desk and the guard asked me to sign in and show my driver's license. Whilst digging through my purse for my wallet to produce requested license, I found my corporate badge. Phew! I'd been paroled! It was so embarrassing and pretty stupid of me.

That's what I get for leaving the house in a hurry. I was so busy getting dinner in the crock pot, starting a load of laundry and trying to track down Milly; finding and putting on my badge kinda got forgotten.

Ever read a book and you can't get the story out of your head? I'm reading "When I Lay My Isaac Down" by Carol Kent. It's extremely powerful stuff and I'd recommend it. Carol's only son was found guilty of first degree murder. In this book, she outlines the emotions and difficulty in giving it all to God - her dreams for not only herself, but her much-loved son and family. While I could not imagine going through Carol's heartache, much of what she outlines is applicable when you're faced with a major life crisis/challenge. Inspirational stuff and it'll be made even better next month when Carol lectures at our church.

The importance of prayer: It's something I don't do enough. It gets lost in the shuffle of daily activities. One "Guideposts" reader suggested praying during red lights and traffic jams. Excellent not only for improving prayer life, but also reducing road rage. I tried it last night and found myself chatting with God long after the red light turned green. And it felt GREAT!

Unfortunately, the holiday weekend is now just a memory. A good one. Andrea and I got some additional bonding time in by shopping at the outlet mall, Joanns, Half-Price Books, Panera's for breakfast, etc. Michael didn't go with us very much - difficult for him to get in and out of the car. Saturday night we purchased "Stardust" at Walmart and had family movie night. It's an enjoyable film- one of the rare ones that all of us like. Only $7.50 - great buy!

Michael had another spell where he feels like he's drowning - he gasps for air, yet it doesn't hit his scarred lungs. I've become quite adept at dispensing morphine - that seems to be the only thing that jolts him out of these episodes. These events are happening more frequently.

I pieced two more quilt tops and some placemats. The Go Cutter is an absolute God-send! It took me less than 20 minutes to cut the fabric for those projects. I agonized over purchasing the thing since it was expensive. The more I use it, the happier I am that I spent the money for it.

Keep my nephew Wesley in your prayers today. He's trying out for the lead in the school musical. Wes has practiced all summer for this part and he's quite determined.

Love ya,
Cathy

A Good Week

2010-09-02T05:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday is usually my favorite day of the week. Odd, huh? I think of it this way: the entire weekend is in site and I've successfully navigated through three work days without creating too much chaos.

This week's been a bit different. Andrea and I attended a luau at church on Tuesday night. Great food, wonderful friends, loving family and a fantastic message to "lei" your burdens down. The program also showcased some upcoming events in our church's women's studies program for the fall.

I usually don't leave the office for lunch, but on Monday, I met Linda at IHOP. It's always good to reconnect with her. We e-mail and phone - honestly good stuff - I just prefer the face-to-face time with my loving friends. And Monday's lunch was no different. Linda's courage and strength are amazing. And her enabling skills are pretty fantastic, too! She told me about a going-out-of fabric sale in Hamilton which I HAD to check out before going home that night. Thank you, Linda! I added 33 yards of fabric to my stash for $80 - all wonderful, shop quality stuff.

Andrea, Michael and I had dinner out at Penn Station last night - something we're doing less frequently since it's difficult for Michael to get in and out of the car. After we took Michael home, Andrea and I searched the shelves at Half Price Books. Somehow, Andrea always manages to find something. Me? I have far too much sewing to get done to pick up new books. I haven't read the last two books I bought.

Milly decided to spend some time in the sewing room last night. Once she discovered how much fun it was to claw the flimsy draped on the frame, I had to "escort" her out of the room. What is it with cats and fabric anyways? Smudge always loved to lay on fabric and Milly's doing the same. I gave her a couple of scraps to play with-kept her entertained for two seconds. A long thread on the floor was vastly more fun. So was dodging between the boxes and storage containers underneath the frame and sewing table.

Not much planned for the weekend. Andrea and I want to hit the sale at Joann's to pick up Eeyore fabric for a lap quilt she wants and a few other odds and ends. Perhaps breakfast at Panera's for us girls on Saturday morning. A friend from Columbus may be visiting either Sunday or Monday (plans need to be finalized). One thing's for certain: sewing. The craft fair is only three weeks away and we need more merchandise.

I wish you all a fantastic, restful Labor Day weekend.

Love ya,
Cathy

Sewing Is Good For the Soul

2010-08-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

Things have settled down a bit at Chez Howe and I found a few hours over the weekend to actually get some sewing done. Finished the quilting on my friend's pink and green quilt and got the binding tacked down. Also, completed a small flannel quilt for Miss Milly to use. And it felt fantastic getting SOMETHING accomplished in the sewing room. I have big sewing plans for the upcoming holiday weekend - let's see if my family permits it! LOL

Church was wonderful yesterday. Pastor Tom's message from James 4:7 about patience in suffering was incredibly inspirational. Yes, we all go through tough times, but it's how we handle those adversities that defines us and allows us to grow. I'd like to think that I'm handling Michael's illness with patience and grace, but there are times when I'd just like to escape the situation. But, that is the easy way out and I'd learn nothing by doing that. Patience has rarely been my strongest asset, but I'm learning.

Milly continues to be an absolute joy for each of us. Andrea and her friends played with her so much yesterday afternoon, the kitten was exhausted. But, back to normal this morning and racing through the house. She discovered the sewing room yesterday, but I didn't let her stay too long - too much to get her into trouble.

Michael's breathing continues to worsen. He struggles even walking to the bathroom from the office. I took him clothes shopping on Saturday - nothing fits him any more. I had to help him in the changing room. Imagine the looks we got when we came out of the room together! LOL. No hanky panky, I can assure you!

Off to lunch with my gal pal, Linda.

Hugs,
Cathy

Introducing Miss Milly Bean

2010-08-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

After three nights of searching the local humane societies and cat shelters, we found the newest addition to our family.

Introducing:

Milly Bean

Former home: RedBank Veterinary Hospital

Color: Black and White

Born on the 4th of July

The truly amazing thing about having Miss Milly is the affect she's already had on Michael. He has really taken to our little ball of fluff even though she attacks his feet, oxygen tubes and plays with his shoes.

Andrea and I took her to PetSmart last night for her new pink collar with a sparkly bell and a pink fuzzy bed. She wasn't too keen on the collar, but will soon get used to it. Her food bowl was empty this morning - wow, a good eater, I thought. That is until I saw Daisy lick her teeth. I guess Kitten Chow tastes better than Kibbles and Bits. LOL

Gotta tell you that having this little kitten has lifted our spirits ten-fold. We're still mourning Smudge, but there is great restorative spirit in watching a little black and white "streak" spring from one room to the next.

Thank you, God for steering us toward Milly.

Love ya,
Cathy

Farewell Dear Smudge!

2010-08-25T05:34:00.000-07:00

After discussion with our vet and watching for better signs that never came, we decided to enable Smudge's trip to the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. He was a wonderful companion for ten years. Survivor of an airplane flight from Baltimore to Cincinnati, he was the last of our pets we brought to Ohio from Maryland. He was a truly affectionate feline from the first time we laid eyes on him - a cage filled with tiny black kittens from the same litter. Smudge was the only one to nuzzle my hand - a sure sign he belonged with us.

Living most of his life in the house, Smudge occasionally found his way outside to eat grass and discover life in the wild isn't all that exciting. It's must easier to watch the birds and squirrels from the comfort of a window ledge. Once he disappeared for three days before we found him shivering and hungry underneath our car parked in the driveway. He used to escape more frequently at our first house in Ohio, dashing underneath the neighbor's deck until we enticed him out with a can of tuna.

In his last days, Smudge still managed to provide some comfort to Michael. Many times, we found the two of them sound asleep together in the La-Z-Boy chair.

So, we mourn for Smudge; Andrea in particular is taking it hard. The best thing we can do to honor his memory and the fun times we had is to share that love with a new member of our family. The search for a kitten starts today.

Life does go on.

Love ya,
Cathy

Back To Normal (Whatever THAT Is!)

2010-08-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

After a week away from the office, I had to return this morning. Amazingly, my desk was not piled as high with work as I expected. My co-workers did a fantastic job of keeping my assignments current. Sure makes returning all the easier!

Andrea hopped on the school bus this morning loaded with the various assignments she worked on throughout the summer for AP art class.

My time with Andrea this last week was filled with a lot of activities. Baseball game, pottery night, horseback riding, swimming (three times), shopping, eating out, etc. It was wonderful spending time with her.

Michael? I wish I could report that he was feeling chipper and wasn't complaining. His attitude and complaints nearly ruined our short vacation. In fact, he was so miserable during our time at Hueston Woods that I suggested we come home a night early - nobody complained about that at least! It's difficult to keep a positive attitude about life when all you hear from your spouse is negative. He hasn't learned to accept things as they are and continues to mourn for the things he can no longer do. He's angry, bitter and frightened. But, one night this week, he had a dream about heaven, at least that's how both of us interpretted the dream. I mentioned it to my brother during our lunch on Wednesday and he agreed with our evaluation. And the more I read "Glimpses of Heaven", I realized this was God telling Michael that it's time to get ready.

I need your prayers for patience and understanding for the days to come. We read a Bible verse in Sunday school which I need to remember:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.
Phillipians 2:14-15

I want to do more than just survive Michael's passing. I want it to be a learning and growing experience for myself and to become a shining star.

Sewing? Yep, got some of that done. There's a quilt on the frame half-way done, made some items for the craft fair next month and finished the binding on a friend's quilt. One of our shopping trips included Joann's-where I was able to use the last of the $10 coupons and a 40 percent off voucher.

I received a friend request on Facebook on Saturday morning from my college room mate, Deb! I haven't talked with her in years! Immediately wrote back and chatted with her on-line before she phoned at 10 pm. We talked for 90 minutes on the phone. Cannot tell you how great that was......It's almost as if we picked up where we left off. Deb and her husband, Chris, may be visiting us sometime over Labor Day weekend.

Mentioned lunch with Jimmy previously. It was just the two of us and we're going to have to do that more often. We were able to chat without the "distractions" of kids, spouses, pets. Jimmy's faith is impressive and his kind spirit is so infectious.

I spoke with our vet last week about Smudge, who is not showing any signs of improvement. We're trying one last type of cat food - there are no other medications or treatments for him. If this latest diet change doesn't work, we will need to make the difficult decision. Andrea knows how much the cat is suffering and already told me she won't think badly of me if we escort Smudge to the Rainbow Bridge. We've done all that we can.

Tattoo Boy, Tori and their puppy (Siberian Husky named Luka) were at the house yesterday. TB is working off a debt by doing work around the house - almost finished remodeling my bedroom closet. Whilst he worked on the painting, we girls took Luka to the park where he discovered how fun it was to jump in the creek and roll in the mud. Translation: white dog turns brown! A bath was in order when we returned - outside with the garden hose. Talk about noise! I've never heard such wailing from a dog! Luka is a delightful dog - full of energy and smart. He'll be a lot of fun this winter in the snow.

So, that should pretty much catch you up at the events at Chez Howe.

Love ya,
Cathy

Ending Summer With A Bang!

2010-08-12T05:54:00.000-07:00

Summer's rapidly coming to an end - school starts in ten days. That's normally a cause for celebration, but this year's different. It's Andrea's senior year - her last year of public education. That alone will dictate a lot of changes and change is never easy. It holds tons of promise though.

But first, we have some activities planned. Andrea and I are attending midnight madness at the local pottery studio on Saturday. On Sunday, we'll pick up Tattoo Boy and attend a Reds game together. Michael will join us after his hospice appointment and we'll head to a state park for a couple of days. I'm off work all next week - a welcome break.

Hoping to get a lot of sewing accomplished during my week away from the office. I don't have a thing ready for the craft fair for next month. Andrea has loads of jewelry all ready.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been a total slacker about our Florida trip fund - I sold two quilts yesterday at the office to co-workers. A third one is on the frame now and I should get the binding on it tonight. I've made four pillowcases and have a couple more I want to get done by the end of the week. Spent my lunch hours this week reading two new quilt magazines - got some excellent ideas brewing for strip sewing and stencil use.

Michael's lung disease appears to be progressing - he spends a lot of time sleeping - which the hospice nurse told us to expect. The hospice social worker is paying a visit to Michael today. Micheal was quite happy with his progress on the train project thanks to the volunteer who was at the house on Monday. It's the most I've seen him engaged in a project for a long time. There are many things he could be doing - but the "mood" just isn't present. He has several unfinished novels he's written, all that train stuff and many models, puzzles and books - all of which don't require physical exertion. The lastest? He and his best friend, Martin, are on the outs. Not sure how long that will last. You get two stubborn Englishmen together - BAM!

Stubborn? Hard-hearted - I still wonder how anybody is going to get through his thick skull before he passes into the next world. There are so many people praying for him. It is benefitting me however. If anything, this whole experience is drawing me nearer to God and He is drawing nearer to me. My example may be what eventually breaks down those barriers for Michael. So here's the verse I read this morning:

Let each of you look out not only for his own interests but also for the interests of others.
-Philippians 2:4

I'll keep at it.

Love ya,
Cathy

Come Saturday Morning

2010-08-07T05:44:00.000-07:00

Lovely day! Got two more hours sleep than is normal, time to interact on the computer and then Andrea and I are off to an open house at a local art college. Once that's done, we'll have lunch at Chipotle's and shop at Joann's again for more jewelry making materials for Andrea's budding business. Perhaps a bit more fabric for me - one never knows!

Last night, Andrea went to the outlet mall with her friends so Michael and I took the opportunity and had a "date" - dinner at Bob Evans is about as "wild" as the two of us can get! It was good to reconnect with him. We talked about a lot of stuff- he is certainly opinionated. But that's OK - I've grown to expect nothing less from him. The conversation was good, topics not so good - final plans, lung transplants, Margaret's visit. He has plans for selling most of his model railroad items - a monumental task. I will do what I can to support that. A volunteer from Hospice is coming to the house on Monday to help begin the task of photographing and writing a description of each piece. I digress- the talk we had was just like our "old" times and slapped me back into the realization that I do love this man despite all his moanings. I need to start cherishing each hour with him because all too soon, it will be over.

Got some sewing done as well - working on a nickel quilt with Cincinnati Bengals material to ultimately sell at the craft fair or at the office. Bought some yardage of batting - half off at Joann's this weekend, folks. I always try to buy it when it's on sale or at least have a coupon.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Love ya,
Cathy

Rapture!

2010-08-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

I turned on my sewing machine and finished a baby quilt last night.

Cannot begin to tell you how utterly fantastic it felt to be sewing again. A lot of the tension melted away with each stitch.

It's just been too darned long!

Andrea and I stopped at Joann's on the way home from the airport yesterday and loaded up with more goodies. She's really gotten into making bracelets for the craft fair next month. I'll do my part with some quilted items. I purchased some Cincinnati Bengals fabric to create some small handbags and lapquilts. They always sell and I sure don't feel one bit of remorse letting them go. Bengals - UGH!

Seriously, using the GO cutter is going to really help with the craft fair projects. I have a couple of nickel quilt patterns selected.

Margaret's probably back home by now - we haven't received a message to the contrary. She hugged me good-bye at the airport and told me to be brave. Have to admit, I cried. But, she'll probably be back for another visit before the end of the year and bring Michael's oldest daughter with her.

Michael had his weekly appointment with the hospice nurse today. They're going to arrange for a volunteer to help Michael photograph, catalog and price his entire model railroad collection. I also asked for a hospice social worker to phone me. I need to have a chat about some feelings I'm having lately and need some advice on how I should handle them.

Just stormed here - let's hope the humidity clears up a bit.

Love ya,
Cathy

Family

2010-08-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

My brother and nephews did the most wonderful thing for me on Saturday - they came to my house and did yard work. Not an easy task since I had not been keeping up as well as I should with the weeds this spring and summer. They filled three big cans full of weeds and managed to dig out a dead bush and lamb's ears which Michael wanted gone. I'm absolutely over the moon with the work they did. And am even more touched emotionally that those three would take four hours on a Saturday to do it for me!

Margaret's here until tomorow afternoon. During her visit, she's taken over the task of doting on Michael and doing a few things around the house including scrubbing down the cabinet fronts in the kitchen. She asked me if I minded - goodness - of course not. I know people think it's strange that I have my husband's ex-wife visit us. However, to me, she's a dear friend now and I'll never forget the time she's shared with us. She does get on Michael's nerves from time to time, which makes me chuckle.

One evening, Margaret, Andrea and I went to dinner - Michael didnt' feel up to going out - and it gave me a chance to talk with Margaret about some things which are concerning him. One - he feels compelled to leave money to their children, which she felt (as I do) is utter nonsense. Their children don't care WHAT their father can leave them. Margaret also wanted to let me know that I'm always welcome to visit her and the kids after Michael's death. They're always welcome here as well.

Speaking of Michael, he was strong enough to attend the Cincinnati Pops concert on Friday night. It was a lovely evening - the weather was cool, we had Subway sandwiches and drinks and the music was fantastic. The only thing that spoilt it was Michael's severe asthma attack which required us to leave early.

If any of you are interested, Michael has produced a series of three videos on Utube on what's it's like to live with pulmonary fibrosis. Just look under the name Smudgeloco.

Totally unrelated to the topic: I finally received my GO! fabric cutting machine on Friday. It's absolutely incredible! Played with it on Sunday afternoon for about 30 minutes and voila - a stack of nickel squares which ordinarily would have taken me two hours to slice up. Now, if I could just find some time to sew. I haven't even touched the sewing machine since Linda was here three weeks ago. Found some very cute dachshund fabric at Joann's yesterday - Andrea "needs" a couple of pillowcases! So, I haven't forgotten about sewing - think about it a lot. Especially since I'm sleeping in the sewing room at the moment.

Andrea and I are renting space at a local church's craft fair toward the end of September. Andrea's making jewelry and I'll contribute quilty items. Proceeds to help pay for the much needed trip to Florida/Harry Potter World next year.

I hope you all have a fantastic week and I'll do my best to do the same.

Love ya,
Cathy

Recovery and Stubborn Men

2010-07-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Andrea seems to be improving on a daily basis. She was able to return home last Friday. A bit rocky at first - one spell on Saturday when life in general with its changes got to her. I'm extremely proud of her progress and stated dedication to getting better. She's a tough cookie. This week, she's in out patient care at the hospital, which she says is boring. Of course, she'd rather be home, but I'm stickin' to my "guns" on this one and not allowing her to stay home until the staff at the hospital tell me she can. Her attitude is apparently rubbing off on her best friend also - she has promised her mother to make a real effort in tackling her challenges. A promise that brought the mom to tears. (oh, how I can relate to that one!)

Andrea's dad is apparently taking my advice to heart - he spent time with her again on Sunday. I cornered him before he left and told him in no uncertain terms that if he wants back into her life he needs to be consistent - don't just pop up every five months. He agreed. Let's see how long it lasts. If need be, I'll badger the man. Andrea's worth it. And I'm extremely good at being a pest.

The main question of the day is this: Is there a more stubborn man on the face of this planet than my husband, Michael? (Hint: The answer is NO!) Hospice phoned him a few days ago and said they wanted to send a volunteer to our home to be with Michael. Michael dearly wants to catalogue, photograph and put a value on each item in his model railroad collection. It's a daunting task and one that Michael could not handle on his own. What a terrific project to ask the volunteer to help with, I thought. Michael, however, is far from agreeing to it. What if I don't like the volunteer, he whined. What if they don't like trains? I'm lonely, but I don't want to be with anybody other than you and Andrea, etc., etc., etc. Grrrrrrrrrrrr! He turned down the offer, but I'm not through with this yet.........

Sorry, no sewing. I did pick up some fabric at Hobby Lobby last night to add to my collection. Loads of fabric, no sewing. Now, that's odd!

Love ya,
Cathy

Too Long Between Posts

2010-07-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

July 8! Holy cow, have I ever been remiss about keeping up with the blogosphere! But, to be perfectly honest, there have been little to no activities in the sewing room. I figured y'all didn't particularly like to read every nitty, gritty detail about life in our household. Events, however, have kept me from blogging, phoning, quilting - just about everything.

My DD's anxiety issues appeared to be getting worse, so with her counselor's blessing, I readmitted her to a mental health facility near our house. She's already feeling better since Tuesday and should be able to return home either today or tomorrow morning. She will have to return for outpatient care, but at least she will be home.

I need to share that our decision to re-admit her was tough on both me and her. A lot of tears were shed. In many ways, she is my closest friend in addition to being my daughter. We share so many things and lean on each other a lot.

The issues with her biological father appear to be at the apex of her concerns. I tried numerous times to contact the man earlier this week without any success until last night. He phoned the house to ask if Andrea could accompany him to Columbus this weekend to visit his parents. I advised him what was going on. For a man for goes months with no contact, he was surprisingly shattered. Andrea's perception is her father doesn't love her and has rejected her on more than one occasion. The lack of love is not true, but her perception is her reality. Her father is just a lazy, lazy man. Andrea requested that she have no contact with him until she is home. Hopefully, her father will not forget.

Michael is not believing any of the issues with Andrea are real. He thinks she is doing all this for attention. And he actually had the nerve to tell me he's jealous of all the attention Andrea is receiving from me right now.

My trials are temporary - I know that. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without my faith to keep me lifted up and positive. I phoned my mother to let her know about Andrea -a tough call to make. Mom said she'll pray for Andrea and you know, I feel those prayers. Andrea does too.

I will be glad to have her back home and plan on loving her. And maybe get a bit of quilting done this weekend.

Love ya,
Cathy

Good news!

2010-07-08T05:32:00.000-07:00

My brother's nephew, Sam, is home from the hospital. Sam was in a horrific motorcycle accident in May. God's hands surely healed this young man since he had a liver laceration, intestinal tears, nine vertebrae fractured, a dislocated knee and a facial fracture. He still has a long way to go, but he's home with his parents and siblings.

AND he gets to enjoy his comfort quilt.

Post Holiday and A Give-A-Way

2010-07-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

First, check out:

http://www.jillquilts.blogspot.com/

Jill has some fantastic give-a-way items to celebrate her 1,000th post

Cannot begin to tell you how much I needed a three-day weekend to re-charge my "batteries". Andrea and I did a lot of shopping, got our hair cut, (Her new "pixie" style is really, really cute!), watched fireworks in Mason and talked about our plans for next year's trip to Florida.

Andrea went with me to Joann's on Saturday - batting half off, folks! Best Friends Quilt Shop also had a sale this weekend - I got 13.5 yards of really nice fabric at an average of $4 a yard - not bad at all!

Finished Jessica's quilt just in the nick of time on Saturday night so I could give it to my delivery person at church on Sunday morning. Sure hope she likes it.

Andrea, Michael and I went to see "The Last Airbender" last night. Interesting film. Not sure if it's something I'd want to see again though. The 3-D did little to enhance it.

Michael had a really rough time leaving the theatre last night and refused our offer to fetch the wheelchair out of the car. Honestly, the man is so freaking stubborn at times, it's bound to do him in! We managed to get him out shopping on Friday night to the international market (Jungle Jim's in Fairfield) but he stayed parked in the wheelchair the entire time. That store is humongous. A trip outside the home is rare for Michael these days and I'm afraid he's developing some anxiety about leaving the house. His appetite is also being affected - not sure if it's the pulmonary fibrosis/lack of oxygen. I made BBQ ribs, corn on the cob and fried squash last night for dinner - a meal which would have required second and third helpings a year ago. He wouldn't eat the ribs or the squash last night. Nor would he try the strawberry smoothies for dessert. If he won't touch the meatloaf and twice-baked potatoes tonight, it's straight to the ER for him or the loony bin for me.

Lest I forget, I made another purchase this weekend. I bought a GO fabric cutter with assorted dies and cutting mats on line. I've researched and pondered this purchase for weeks. I'm all for saving time and I think this tool is going to help with that and improve my accuracy in piecing. Obviously, it's not going to totally replace my rotary cutter. The thought of being able to reduce my cutting time by 90 percent as they claim is fantastic. Most of my quilting is accomplished through 2 and 1/2 inch strips and five inch squares - both of which have dies. It was this or purchase a laptop. And those of you who know me can attest that outside the office I try to spend as little time as possible on-line. Michael puts up a mild protest each time I ask to read my e-mails. (He doesn't share well.) I will let you know how I end up liking the GO cutter - it's coming through UPS. Parcels, we love parcels at our house......

Less enamoured with the weekend activities: Smudge and Daisy. Smudge's arthritis is really giving him fits - enough that he has trouble finding his litter box. I may have a tough decision to make about him soon. Daisy's still shaking from all the firecrackers the neighbors set off each night. She's also dealing with a visit from the grand-dog Luka today. She doesn't share well either.

Love ya,
Cathy

Jack, Jerry and Tattoo Boy

2010-06-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

Baby Jack, who received my first quilt of 2010, is growing and loving his blankie. Grandma Mary sent me a photo this weekend. Isn't he a doll?

Jerry the Juki made his annual trip to Sew Easy for his lube job and tune-up. He was acting up on Thursday night, making a mess of the Jenna quilt. He's back and working wonderfully already. One thing about Sew Easy - their repair guy is prompt, good and quick. Jerry was away from home less than 24 hours. Real important for us quilt junkies!

Tattoo Boy came for a visit on Sunday. He and I reached an agreement about some tasks which need to be done around the house. He owes me money. I need yard stuff done. Voila! Debt wiped out and tasks to be completed this week. Plus, TB needs to raise some $ for a trip to visit his bestest buddy. Momma got to thinking about some indoor jobs he can do for pay. (I was gonna hire somebody any ways for this stuff!) Aren't I clever? Poor TB has to get instruction from Michael on how to lay ceramic tile. On second thought, there is no extra pay for cruel and unusual punishment!

Love ya,
Cathy

Dreams and Reality

2010-06-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, I had a dream which featured a friend I had in high school. I woke up thinking I had to get in touch with this guy. Last I knew, he was in Columbus, but it's been a number of years since he and I talked - almost 20 years, in fact. (Tattoo Boy was just a baby!)

Facebook. Gotta love it! I found him on Facebook. Wrote a brief message and voila! Got a response this morning. Turns out he's been thinking about me as well. Now, how odd is that? He's had a major loss this year - lost his partner of 28 years several months ago. His daughter is now married and living elsewhere, so he's living in a house all by himself and is having a rough time with it all.

The reality - this is all too much of a coincidence for me NOT to think that God's hand is in it. Perhaps this is God's way of bringing me back into this man's life because he's hurting and I could help someway. And maybe, just maybe help myself in the process.

Just some thoughts I have today.

Love ya,
Cathy

Blessings

2010-06-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

This has been a strange week filled with challenges and blessings. Last week at this time I was mopping up water in our utility room - leaky roof. The next day the roofing company began its magic and the house looks terrific and is dry. Blessing indeed since we seem to be getting a thunderstorm/heavy rain every other day. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the roofing rep who pushed and convinced us to file an insurance claim. Michael claims he was concerned about leaving me with a house that needed major repairs. Well, at least that one is taken care of now. A friend at church gave me the name and phone number of a reliable handyman, so I'll give him a ring sometime soon - couple of other projects need to be done to make Michael's life a bit easier. Hey, and the best part about the new roof? Michael didn't fire the contractor mid-way through the job!

My brother returned from his medical mission to Haiti late Sunday night, but promptly fell ill requiring a trip to the ER. Bad case of dehydration. I'm so very proud of my brother and sister in law for their efforts to help the people of that country.

Mailed the quilt to my ex's nephew and he should receive it today. I'm hoping it will be a pleasant surprise.

In other quilty news: Got the borders on Jessica's quilt. (Michael says it's so bright it hurts his eyes!) Finished piecing the kit I was given at the Lebanon quilt show. Both need to be quilted and given to their recipients. Jessica's in Florida at the moment with her youth group enjoying a few days of "freedom" before chemo begins again. I have until the end of the month for the other charity quilt and that needs to be dropped off at the quilt shop.

The Red, White and Blue Boxy stars pieced for months now is still hanging in the sewing room. I did not have a real good feel for what to use for borders, so Andrea pitched in and found some of my stash which will work.

Most of the time I spent in the sewing room on Friday night and Saturday afternoon was spent cleaning and organizing. I cut a bunch of scraps into 2 and 1/2 inch strips and carefully stored them in a new cart I picked up at Hobby Lobby on the sale rack. I can now walk around the sewing room without having to avoid piles of fabric and storage totes. Marvelous!

After reading Bonnie Hunter's post about her latest workshop featuring Scrappy Mountains, I really wanted to try that pattern. I managed to get one block done last night. We had company (one of Michael's model railroading friends) and Andrea and I went for a work out at the Community Center. It was nearly 9:30 before I even cut the first strip. Not bad for such a late start. Now, I'm really hooked and can't wait to do more!

Now on to more serious matters: Apparently the dorks (kind word here folks) in Social Security Administration didn't think Michael qualified for disability based on the records from his first pulmonologist. Michael hasn't seen this doctor in over two years and was still working at that time. His regular doctor's records arrived last Friday and those notes are being evaluated right now. Please keep this matter in your thoughts and prayers. We can use all the positive vibes! I don't want to hire an attorney - but that may be the next step.

Love ya,
Cathy

The Demise of My Wits and Butter Jesus

2010-06-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

About 11 last night, a horrendous thunderstorm swept through our area. Try sleeping through that! And to add to the fun, our roof was not even half done. I worried about the heavy rain and didn't get much sleep. No damage fortunately and the roofers were back at work at 6:30 this morning. (Our neighbors LOVE us!)

Then, I learned this morning that the six-story tall statue of Jesus near our home was struck by lightening and destroyed! The locals called that statue "Butter Jesus" or "Touchdown Jesus". Agreed, the statue was horrendous, gaudy, and not my concept of what Jesus represents, but its destruction should not invite the kind of anti-Christian sentiments I'm hearing around the office and on the radio. Until now, I didn't think people despised our faith. Perhaps this should be a wake-up call.

Sewing? Very little. For some reason, the overhead light in my sewing room isn't working and it was dark when I had a few minutes to spare last night. I may avoid quilting again tonight - straight to bed after dinner. Between Smudge's antics the night before and the storm last night, my "tail" is dragging today.

Love ya,
Cathy

Things That Go Bump In The Night

2010-06-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Up until three nights ago, I was getting a good night's sleep in the guest bedroom each night. Ahhhhhhh - no oxygen tubes, no wheezing noises, no snoring, etc. (You get the picture!) But, alas, Smudge discovered where I was now sleeping. The door to that bedroom doesn't latch snugly either.

Smudge knows how to push on the door. Some times it opens, often it doesn't and then it makes a banging noise loud enough to frighten the dead. Friday night and Saturday night he pushed on the door with his paw and "BOOM BOOM BOOM!" at 2 or 3 AM. If that wasn't enough, he cried as if his life depended on getting into bed with me.

So, last night I decided to keep the door slightly open and invite him to bed. Like most cats, he is active at night, so he didn't stay asleep with me. He got up, used his litter box, came back, jumped on the bed, jumped onto the windowsills, groomed himself. And the little bell on his collar went, "jingle, jingle, jingle" with every step he took.

Smudge and I are going to have a talk tonight after work.

OTHER ASSORTED TOPICS:

- The quilt show in Lebanon was fun. It would have been downright enjoyable had there been air conditioning in the buildings. And if you're familiar with southwestern Ohio weather in summer, it was hot and humid. I felt so badly for the poor vendors. The quilts on display were great and I found a few things to purchase.

-Andrea and her three friends spent almost the entire weekend at our house with mom (me) playing chauffeur. Let's see, we went to the pool, the park, Donatos for pizza, Half Priced Books, Pet Smart and the mall between Saturday and Sunday. Granted one pal is just visiting from South Carolina, but do we have to fit an entire summer's activities in days?

-I am now a proud graduate of Dave Ramsay's Financial Peace University! I completed the 13-week course on Friday night. I don't think I'll struggle in finding something else to do with my Friday nights from now on! That program inspired me to make some changes that have really paid off and I have only one card to pay off (Michael's) and I'll be debt free except for the mortgage and that sucker's gonna go down! The emergency fund is my next plan - build it up. If all goes according to plan, that should be funded adequately by the holidays. I'd highly recommend Financial Peace University to anybody.

-The heat and humidity aren't helping Michael any. He spends most of his time attached to the computer and yelling at me to do this or do that. I had to wake him up at 6:30 this morning just in case the roofers showed up early. You would have thought the world was coming to an end! Major crab attack! Well, it's nearly 11 and the roofers and the materials haven't shown up yet. I suppose I'll get blamed for that too! Michael's temper and teasing has gotten the best of me lately. Before I respond to him, I need to remind myself to stop and call on my inner strength before responding. That's so hard to do! The natural response to nastiness is to respond with nastiness, right?

-I started another comfort quilt. This one's for a young girl at our church who is facing radiation therapy for a spinal tumor. Hoping to get it done by Sunday so I can give it to the pastor's wife for delivery. Also, finished my ex's nephew's graduation quilt. Mail it sometime this week. One of the vendors at the quilt show was distributing kits to anybody who wanted to make a kids quilt. I picked one up and need to have it done within a month, deliver it to their shop. Which gives me an "excuse" to visit this shop - never been there. As if I NEEDED an excuse......lol......

Love ya,
Cathy

One Year To Practice

2010-06-03T07:44:00.000-07:00

And I will need every bit of that one year to learn how to keep from crying when Andrea graduates from high school! When Tattoo Boy graduated from high school, I wore my big sunglasses to hide the tears, but Michael found out and let everybody know (hahahah, look at Cathy, she's crying!) Tattoo Boy was another matter - we didn't know until two days before commencement that he was going to graduate. I ended up writing a lot of his senior English papers that week to get him over the hurdle - so to speak. Something I'm not proud of doing, but at least it enabled him to graduate and go on to other things which he's doing quite successfully now at the University of Cincinnati.

Junior awards ceremony was this morning and I had a rough time stopping big time tears. Andrea won two awards - outstanding art student and outstanding English student. This hasn't exactly been the easiest year for her with all that's gone on with her step-dad, birth father, and the usual trials of being a teenager. By achieving what she has, it just proves how strong and beautiful my young lady is and I am so proud of her!

Perhaps they're tears of pride and happiness! Yeah, that's right.....A bright shiny spot in an otherwise tough year.

What's Next On The "Hit" List?

2010-06-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

Resolved to knock down at least one tiresome, monotonous, crappy paperwork cruddy job at a time. Today it was to deal with the ambulance bill people - appeal mailed. Pay bill for Lindner Center - done. I may have stretched it a bit by trying to figure out the last bill for Michael's oxygen supplier. Their toll free line referred me to the local office and the local office referred me to the toll free line . SIGH! I'm praying this will be a successful week with the roofing process. We're scheduled for the work on June 8. Just waiting on the mortgage company to forward the start money.

No word from the SSA or the congressman's aide. THAT one will take time, more time.

After three days off work, my battery's a bit more charged. My next-door neighbor brought me to tears one night. He's such a dear. During one of our conversations, he asked me if he could weed-whack a section of our yard since he knows Michael can't do it and it wasn't something that was easily done by me. I said it was OK and the next day - done! I've reconciled myself to the fact that there are some things I'm going to have to hire out to be done. Once the tough stuff around the yard is done, I should be able to maintain it. My brother seems keen on having his sons do it for me, but I'm going to insist on paying them. Michael, however, is not keen on having the two boys do work around the house. He asked me if there are organizations out there which will send a handyman to the house for no charge? I reminded him I am not destitute, but he replied that he is. Knowing how Michael is about contractors, he'll fire the free help if he gets it - LOL!

Michael's asthma attacks are getting worse. He can't stomach the humidity we've experienced lately and the air conditioning is tough on him as well. What to do? He didn't get out of bed until 1 this afternoon - more time in bed, less energy. Still complains about anything and everything, but at least he's not accusing me of abandoning him when I have to get groceries or run errands. I started sleeping in the spare bedroom - something I swore that I wouldn't do. By Michael's own admission, it's helped him sleep better as well as me. He can keep the television on all night if he needs or wants now - something he claims helps him sleep better?

And I got some chunks of sewing done in between the running around. I pieced Sam's comfort quilt and it's 3/4 of the way quilted. The ex's nephew's quilt is next on the frame - bought the backing and batting at Joann's Memorial Day sale along with a few other goodies. (Three trips to Joann's this week?!) Andrea picked out fabric for a sundress she wants. I think I'll work on it soon, but not without her "help". It would be nice for her to have a few basic sewing and garment construction skills.

I'd love to post some photos of my quilting progress, but you see, Tattoo Boy has my camera. He's tough to get in touch with these days - finals next week and wrapping up projects for the school year. I've yet to get a ransom note for my camera, but I'm hoping to see it again soon!

The baseball game was a lot of fun - like Andrea said - it's always better when the Reds win.

Hugs,
Cathy

Times That Try Your Patience To The Very Core

2010-05-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

An analyst from Social Security Administration (SSA) phoned Michael yesterday about his request for disability benefits. Michael, of course, was confused since he thought the SSA issue had been resolved. Partially. The retirement benefit was approved several months ago. The disability claim continues to be outstanding. I phoned the analyst back and learned SSA has LOST all of the medical records which were obtained to evaluate his claim! LOST! We filed this claim eleven months ago and did mountains of paperwork and now they have the absolute gall to advise me that we need to start from square one with release documentation! Anger is not an appropriate word to describe how I feel. I cannot let myself cry - they are not worth it and besides if I start to cry now, I may not be able to stop.

Everything I touch/handle these days seems to get stuck, stymied or stalled. Take for instance the new roof. I sent all the paperwork and check to the mortgage company. They returned the check because the roofer needs to sign it (aforementioned roofer said they did NOT need to sign) and Michael and I did not sign the estimate page - no place for signatures on there. How were we to know? The claim for Andrea's ambulance ride to the hospital was denied by our insurance company even though the first hospital required the ambulance for transport. ( I'm contesting that one, folks.) Then, I try to make a simple withdrawal from mutual funds - had to show them proof of my marriage to Michael before they'd do that - one week later - no money!

I'm frustrated. I sat in our bathroom this morning planning my next steps with the above-mentioned items and more when Smudge wandered in. I picked him up and buried my face in his fur, feeling one tear and then another melt into the poor cat's side. He started to purr like there's no tomorrow. Whoever said animals are not a gift from above are dead wrong! I'll buy another cat nip plant for Smudge this weekend. (Buttons, our outdoor feral cat ate the first one.)

Perhaps I need this upcoming three day weekend a lot right now to re-group and re-focus. Nothing really planned except a Reds' game tomorrow night with Andrea, a sale at Joann's (batting half off!) and hopefully loads of sewing time. Michael's having a very rough time with his breathing - the heat and humidity are not good for his already knackered lungs. We turned the AC on last night and the temperature difference sent him into a harsh asthma attack. Can't win no matter what you try - his lungs just cannot handle it.

I think I'll spend a bit more time in prayer tonight. Prayers do work - Sam's getting better each day and may leave ICU this weekend. That's proof enough for me! Thank you, God!

Love ya,
Cathy

Unexpected Blessings

2010-05-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law, Karen, has a nephew, Sam, who is about Tattoo Boy's age. Like TB, Sam enjoys riding his motorcycle and playing the drums. Friday afternoon, Sam lost control of his motorcycle and crashed into a sign. As of today, he's had four surgeries for a lacerated liver, fractured pelvis, broken leg and fusion of nine vertebrae in his spine. Thank God he was wearing a helmet for it could have been far worse!

Some folks would have fallen to pieces over this accident - not Sam and his family. They're grateful he's still with us. Sure, he's got a long road to recovery ahead of him, but he's here and that's enough of a blessing to keep the Taylor family praying and praising. And they're an inspiration to me.

My unexpected blessing this weekend was finally having a few hours to myself for my sewing. I worked on a quilt for my ex-husband's nephew's high school graduation. Almost done with the piecing - had it not been for a goofy error, I would have completed the top by now.

Next up - a comfort quilt for Sam.

Hugs,
Cathy

Status Quo

2010-05-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't blogged for over a week is that there's really nothing new to report. It's just the normal day-to-day struggles for my little family tossed in with a sick kitty. Yes, Smudge is having litter box and intestinal challenges again. He's going to the vet this evening which I'm sure he's looking forward to with great anticipation. LOL

Watercolor quilt class at church on Monday night was a blast! I still can't believe how E-A-S-Y that pattern is! But, I managed to bungle it up by choosing the wrong type of pattern for the border. I've purchased some more grid fabric and intend on selecting more appropriate fabric with the next one. It's too bad we're done with these classes at church until the fall. I will miss them.

Andrea and Tattoo Boy received an invitation to their cousin Trent's high school graduation and party. (I wasn't invited - no shock there!) Both of my kids are broke, so I purchased some fabric to make Trent a quilt they can give him. The colors are royal blue, grey and white - the colors of the university he will be attending in the fall and I've picked out an easy pattern from the small quilts magazine I purchased last week. Ideally, I'd like to have the top completely pieced by the end of the weekend.

Michael's about the same now - he had a horrible Monday - stayed in bed nearly all day. He's maxed out the oxygen level on the exchanger he uses at home, so we mentioned this to the hospice nurse. She says there are machines with higher levels and if need be, they can rig two exchangers together. We'll look into that more seriously next week. Had an interesting chat with Michael - seems he does believe everybody has a spirit that moves on after life, but he claims that has nothing to do with God. I felt positive about this statement since it may lead the way in convincing him of God's existence and love. He grumbles a lot about Andrea and I "leaving the house on purpose" to avoid him. Of course that's not true, but we do have groceries to buy and events out of the home which require attention. Our lives cannot stop and somebody's got to do those things which keep a house a home. Why can't he realize that?

The insurance check and paperwork for the new roof are on their way to our mortgage company. Hoping to set a date for the roof work soon. Home Depot phoned to let us know the glass for the picture window is in, but that doesn't do us a lot of good since there is no way Michael can install that window. They're supposed to get back with us. I'm being taught patience........

Hugs,
Cathy

Love And The Joy of Being A Real Dork

2010-05-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from our pastor's wife, Kay. She also teaches my Sunday School class. She wanted to know more details about Michael and to see if there was anything in addition to prayer the church could help me with. Wow! There is nothing like the love Christians have for one another, is there?

When Tattoo Boy was really irritated with me a few years ago, he called me a dork for loving musicals. OK, if that's anybody's definition of belonging in that group, I proclaim myself REALLY guilty. If TB had been around me at lunchtime today, he would have thrown me into a jail cell and tossed out the key. It's time for the annual book and music sale at my office and I hit the mother lode! Five, count 'em five CDs of musical numbers from various muscials ranging from "Phantom of the Opera" to "Jesus Christ Superstar" to "Oklahoma" to "South Pacific" and everything in between. Fourteen dollars! Very discreetly, I tucked one of the CDs into my computer in the midst of cubicle central and listened to "All Or Nuthin'" from "Oklahoma" this afternoon. I am gonna love listening to every second of these CDs whether in the car or in the sewing room.

Andrea and I play a game whilst we're listening to her teenaged taste in music during our girly outings. She tries to trick me by asking me if know the artist/group for each recording we listen to. I don't have a clue, so I answer Justin Timberlake if it's a male singer, Lady GaGa if it's a gal and Black Eyed Peas for groups. "Ah, Mom, you're just guessing. What a dork you are!"

Yep. A very blessed dork.

Sharing and Celebrating

2010-05-10T05:34:00.000-07:00

For the longest time, I've wanted to ask my Sunday School class to remember Michael in their prayers. I've not expressed that desire for the longest time because I knew I would struggle; i.e. start crying like I did when the minister's wife asked about Michael.

Something yesterday compelled me to speak up and I made it through the prayer request with no tears but a bit of emotion. And I gotta tell you, the experience was uplifting. I felt such warmth and caring from the group. It's something I won't soon forget.

I'm grateful to have spent a lot of the weekend with my Mom. All of us got together for dinner on Friday night at Outback - tres yummy - and went to the school art show to see Andrea's prize self-portrait. Mom and Ken helped us put together Michael's new armoire on Saturday. It'll be much easier for Michael to get his clothes out now. Then, Saturday night we watched the high school's production of "Annie Get Your Gun".

Mother's Day was pretty quiet at Chez Howe. When I returned from church, I discovered Andrea wrote "I Love Mom" all over the driveway in bright coloured chalk. Pity the rain tonight will wash it all away. Michael, Andrea and I went to brunch. After taking Andrea and her buddies shopping, I got my real Mother's Day gift - a few precious hours in the sewing room. Continued working on the red,white and blue Boxy Stars before discovering I didn't have enough red and blue fabrics. (Hope they're still available on the discount rack at Seams Sew Easy!) Tattoo Boy phoned to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. So, I felt loved all around!

Michael experienced the strangest thing during brunch yesterday. His oxygen tank went completely empty at the restaurant, so I dashed out to the car to get a replacement tank. Oddly enough he didn't need the new tank for a bit. He was able to take deep breaths and felt great, as if he was cured! It lasted for just a few minutes though. He told me he felt that way once before - when he took a nap and had a dream his lungs were healthy. Woke up feeling great and for a few minutes felt normal.

Normal's nice. Even for just a few short minutes.

Hugs,
Cathy

Tidbits on Tuesday

2010-05-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

I'm meeting with the Hospice chaplain this afternoon. Michael's already declined to meet with her - no surprise there. Please keep Michael in your prayers - that his heart will open toward God. At present, it seems like a difficult task.

During my commute to work and back home, I've been listening to some CDs my mom sent to me. They're recordings of a series of sermons their pastor did last October about authentic life - overcoming hurdles in life. Powerful stuff. I'm finding that listening to material like this is much better for me than listening to the crap on the radio. Who would have thought that I could find more of my time with God behind the wheel of Honda CR V?

Another rough night for Michael. He was up with me and Andrea at 5:30 this morning - said he couldn't sleep. He did go back to bed for a few hours once we left the house. Smudge woke him up at 9, playing with the blinds in our room. He's out in the garage at present, staring at the model train layout, not really inspired to do any work on it today. It's difficult to see him so listless when he was always very active doing things around the house. I know this inactivity imposed on him by his lungs tortures him.

Hugs,
Cathy

Wet But Not Wild Weekend

2010-05-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

"Rain, rain go away. Come again another day." Andrea and I chanted all weekend. Our trip to the zoo rained out, we settled for a girls' afternoon at the hair salon and lunch at Chipotle on Saturday.

Then the real FUN began.....she and I started to paint the spare bedroom. Remember, Mr. Michael was a painter (he says decorator) for years and KNOWS how it's done. AND he's not afraid to tell all us poor ignorant souls that there is a right way and a wrong way to load a roller brush. We had to kick him out of the room before we took that aforementioned roller and put it somewhere on his anatomy. The room finished - it looks lovely - and nobody got murdered in the process.

One of the things I wanted to achieve this weekend was a ruthless cleanout on the cabinet where we keep all of Michael's medications. Besides finding drugs that were years out of date, I found where Michael hides candy. Twizzlers go REAL GOOD with Prozac, don't ya know! LOL. I organized all the prescriptions and labeled them according to use so Michael will know what drug does what and when to take it just in case I'm not around. Now if I could convince him to use them as prescribed, I'd be batting .500. He refuses to use the nebulizer - claims it does nothing other than waste his time.

More serious: He had another attack on Sunday night. They seem to be happening more frequently and with no explanation to me, although Michael always seems to KNOW what causes them. He's cold all the time - wore a wool sweater for most of the day yesterday when it was 75 outside. There's always a quilt at the ready for him to keep warm in the family room or when he's sitting at the computer.

Very little sewing this weekend. I stitched up two pillowcases for the spare bedroom and made another block for the Bonnie Hunter quilt I started last week. So I have a snowball quilt, log cabin quilt and now a Boxy Stars quilt all in various stages of piecing. I have a strip tease quilt ready for the frame - destined for the spare bedroom. One of my nephews is graduating from high school next month - I'd love to give him a quilt in his chosen college colours, but it ain't gonna happen. My sewing room time is really limited these days.

My darling Andrea has one of her art works in the school district show this coming weekend. We're going to see that, plus my nephew in the school's musical, "Annie Get Your Gun". Mom and Ken will be spending Friday night with us too. So Mother's Day weekend will be busy. Hopeful that Michael can join us, but he's a bit hesitant to go out in public with his oxygen and wheelchair. We'll just have to take it one day/event at a time.

We usually do around here.

Love ya,
Cathy

Gratitude

2010-04-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

We're coming to the close of our first week with Hospice. Words cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for their loving care and coordination. The nurse has been by the house twice to evaluate Michael, we have all new oxygen equipment, tons of medication, a shower chair and a lot of literature to read. The thing that appears to have helped Michael the most is a small dose of anti-anxiety medication that he takes just before going to bed at night. He slept through the night for the first time in months! That meant a lot to him. Hospice has advised us to make sure he gets his rest, a little bit of exercise and fresh air. Sooooooo, Andrea and I took him to the park near our house after dinner - first time we used the new wheelchair. At first, Michael felt like a dork, but later admitted it felt good to get out. One other item Hospice is going to provide is a panic button that will activate my cell phone when I'm out of earshot and Michael needs me.

Spoke with my Mother on the phone - their trip to China was spectacular and she can't wait to show me all 460 photos they took!

I finished my Very Badly bad and I am thrilled with the final product! May even gather up my courage and work on another one soon. Right now, though, I want to work on a red-white and blue Boxy Stars quilt - courtesy of Bonnie Hunter and Quiltville. I found some lovely blue and red fabric on the discount table at Seams Sew Easy earlier this week.

The other news at Chez Howe: our insurance company has agreed to foot the bill for a new roof. Expected delivery: three weeks from now. Michael said he was worried about the roof and feels a huge relief that I won't be saddled with that expense and effort after he's gone. Our other "thorn" - the broken window seal is being taken care of as well. Home Depot agreed the window was under guarantee and we did buy it from them - (duh, moment here, folks) and they've ordered the replacement. Once that's arrived, it'll be interesting to see how they want it handled since we certainly cannot pick it up and Michael's in no shape to install it.

So, it's been a busy week and it's not over yet. There's a social worker from Hospice at the house right now meeting Michael. More to come.......

Love ya,
Cathy

Helping Hands

2010-04-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

Andrea's getting better; Michael and I both agree on that topic. I spent a lot of time with her this weekend. She and I went to the art museum in Cincinnati, out for lunch, Hobby Lobby, Aldi's and Ikea. Between all that, we finished putting together her new Ikea furniture including the chair we just bought and had her laptop fixed. Thank you, thank you, thank you to my nephew William for doing that computer task. Andrea is soooooooooo grateful. She used our main computer at home, which caused some friction between her and Michael. In other words, Michael doesn't share well with others, even me, when he wants on the computer.

Spoilt baby, is what Andrea and I call him! LOL.

Michael had a rough weekend. He was supposed to join us for the art museum outing since a dear friend provided us with a wheelchair for him. Even with that assistance, he just couldn't muster up the body/lung strength to go. Interesting change of heart for him: Friday was a good day for him - breathing-wise. I mentioned Hospice to him and there was no way, no how, never, ever going to agree to their help. By Saturday night, he had taken a 180 turn on that issue. He said I may be right, go ahead and contact them. We have an appointment tomorrow at the house with a Hospice nurse. I'd be grateful for any type of help they can provide to make our lives easier whether it's equipment or counseling.

Believe it or not, I got some sewing time in yesterday afternoon!!! I'm working on a Very Badly handbag with a zipper. First time I've put a zipper in anything since Home Ec in junior high hundreds of years ago. I really was proud of the effort even though it was frustrating at first. If I can get 90 minutes of uninterrupted sewing time tonight, I could be finished with this new bag and it's mine, all mine!

Need to work on a couple of small projects for Mother's Day and then get a quilt top on the frame. This one is slated for the spare bedroom which I have to get painted first. That is a weekend project...... Andrea has to get her stuff outta there first.

My mother is supposed to return from her two week China trip on Wednesday. I have missed her counsel for that time. I usually speak with her at least once a week. Andrea was admitted to Lindner Hospital the day BEFORE they left and I just didn't have the heart to tell Mom about it since I knew she'd either cancel her trip or fret about her grand-daughter the entire two weeks. Either one wasn't fair to her. So I kept quiet when when she phoned the night before their departure. That was difficult. So, I'm looking forward to her safe return and hearing all about their China experience.

Hugs,
Cathy

Tender Mercies

2010-04-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of you who have contacted me regarding recent events. Through the grace of God, things appear to be getting better for my DD. She has a test today at school that's giving her some anxiety, so keep her in your thoughts and prayers. My darling girl has too much to handle right now in addition to all the regular teen-age struggles.

DD and I spent some time last night after dinner putting together one of the bookshelf units we purchased from Ikea. Not too much of a struggle and we managed to keep Michael out of the room. Involving him would have created a lot more stress for us gals. I doubt if we get any more of the Ikea stuff put together tonight as "Avatar" is being released today and I'm under "orders" to get a copy with the extra features on it.

After we celebrated our building success, I managed ten minutes in the sewing room without any guilt! Our quilting group at church was asked to create some potholders and hot pads for the kitchen/parlor, so I worked on my kit. Quick work - ready for the binding. An e-mail from Sew-Ez described another quilt show in South Lebanon this year, further cementing my decision NOT to attend the national show in Columbus this June. With the show in South Lebanon and the expo in Sharonville in late June, I'll have more than adequate exposure to finished quilts and vendors. I do not want to be away from home for a solid day, so the upcoming local shows are a God-send to satisfy my "addiction".

So, there are some more bright spots presently and on the horizon.....back to the tougher issues....

I need to convince Mr. Michael that some of his behaviors are rather selfish. For instance he watched television until 1:30 am in our bedroom when I tried to sleep (have to get up at 5:30 for work) Four hours of sleep just isn't enough. The ear plugs don't blot out all the noise and the light from the television isn't a help either. Michael stated he didn't see how it was a problem??? Perhaps I should turn on some lights and make noise in the bedroom when I get up every morning whilst HE tries to sleep. Nah, that's not in my nature. I hate the thought of sleeping in another location, but I may have to start doing that. Between his horrible snoring/breathing noises/coughing and television viewing I haven't had a solid night's sleep in weeks. If he has a pulmonary episode in the middle of the night, there is NOTHING I can do for him if I were in the room. But he thinks my presence is a comfort. I fail to see how a bleary-eyed, sleep deprived woman is a comfort!

Despite Michael's insistence he does not want Hospice involvement, I have called our family doctor for a reference. If anything, Andrea and I can use their family support services at this point.

Other things going on with our house: roof installation if the insurance company cooperates and a window replacement if Home Depot follows through on the guarantee. I'm into week six of Financial Peace University and have paid one charge card off and am in a position to pay the remaining two off by mid-May. Debt-free except for the mortgage. Won't that be wonderful!

Keep us in your prayers!

Love ya,
Cathy

Long Time, No Post

2010-04-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

Things haven't been a bed of roses in Chez Howe since my last post. In fact, it's been pretty darn challenging.

My DD, already in counseling for anxiety issues, had complications. She stopped taking her prescribed medication for a week. Bad enough. But her father stopped by two days after her birthday. She hadn't seen or heard from him since Christmas. So, she asked him what he's been doing in the last four months. He replied working and lounging around in his apartment at night with a visit to his parents' house once in a while. Basically told his daughter he doesn't want to see her. Unfortunately, this hurt her to the core since she adores her dad. I got a phone call from DD's counselor two days after that saying she thought aggressive care was needed - she was having trouble coping. Long story short, DD spent a few days at a mental health care facility.

And I struggled to keep my sanity.......

She's home now - appears with the medication, coping skills and loving care to be much better. We made some adjustments to her schedule at school (for instance I drive her to school each morning - gives us a chance to talk and start the day calmly). Dear little thing has a lot on her plate - most kids don't have to deal with a step-dad going through a terminal illness and a dad who can't be bothered. I tried to phone her dad several times last week, but he never answered and his voice mail was full.

Michael is struggling. His oxygen is maxed out - there's no higher setting on his concentrator machine at home. Anything beyond sitting taxes his respiratory ability. And he has panic attacks which worsen his ability to breathe. It pains me to watch this and the only thing I can do is sit beside him and hold his hand in an effort to calm him down. We want to get him a wheelchair so we can do things together as a family from time to time. A dear friend may have lined one up for us.

So, dear followers, that's my "excuse" for not posting. Very little sewing/quilting involved, but I did manage to get to my church's quilting club meeting this past Monday. When Andrea was being cared for, I found it mentally taxing to even think about quilting. Slowly, but surely though, I'm pondering projects and ordered a design wall from Connecting Threads.

Big blessing: Social Security approved benefits for Michael! Not much, but it's better than nothing.

Ultra big blessing: My Sunday School class. We're working our way through the book of Ephesians. We're on Chapter 3 this week and that particular chapter includes a prayer by the Apostle Paul about the ENORMOUS love that God has for us. Kay, our teacher, asked us to read that chapter every day this week and it has been such a comfort to me. I'm even waking up each morning with a song from church in my head. One line is "For the Joy in the Lord is our strength; how great how awesome is He". Then another friend sent me an e-mail that described how God doesn't send such trials to us without having something greater/better in its place.

Such support brings tears of joy to my eyes.

Well, I'd best get back to work and deal with maniacal new business clerks, pesky agents and doctor's reports. Routine is a wonderful thing!

Hugs,
Cathy

A Little Bit Of This, A Little Bit Of That.....

2010-03-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

Andrea's home sick today with a rotten cold. Michael's doing his best to make sure she's comfortable and on the road to recovery without getting too close. A cold's the last thing he needs.

I'm just about finished with the comfort quilt I created for a co-worker who is battling breast cancer. One more side of binding to finish......

The only other sewing I did this weekend was a couple of candle mats for birthday presents. They're next in the binding stack.

Andrea started her job training at King's Island on Saturday. We left the house in plenty of time with 15 minutes to spare. Good thing we did. Halfway home, my cell phone rings. It was Andrea in a near-state of panic. She didn't have her ID. I pulled over and searched the car for it. Found it wedged between the seats and drove back to the park. Crisis avoided! She's been assigned to a food shack in the water park, so she won't begin her job until mid May at the earliest.

We're supposed to go to my mother's house for Easter and Michael's already proclaiming that he won't set foot in Mom's church on Sunday for nobody, nohow, noway. You'd think one was asking him to hand over his entire collection of Johnny Cash CDs. For crying out loud, it's just one hour one time a year. Was there ever a more stubborn man on this planet?

I was looking forward to having Tattoo Boy and his girlfriend over for dinner on Saturday night, but they cancelled because Tori was sick. At least I got to see Tattoo Boy for a few hours on Wednesday night when he dropped in out of the blue.

Hugs,
Cathy

It's A Dog!

2010-03-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

Dear little Daisy has another infection on her back and legs, so Andrea and I took her into the vet on Saturday. The vet wrote us out a prescription since her clinic was out of antibiotics. Filling a prescription for a dog at WalMart was a rather unique experience.

TECH: Does Daisy have insurance?
ME: No (chuckling, thinking what the insurance Nazis at my office would think of me if Daisy
was listed as a dependent)
TECH: What is Daisy's date of birth?
ME: I'm not sure, but I think it's Feb. 19, 2001.
TECH: You don't know your daughter's birthday?
ME: No, she's a dog.
TECH: That's rather rude
ME: No, really, Daisy is a miniature dachshund. Look at the prescription - it's from a vet
clinic.

At that point, the tech turned the tenth shade of red and laughed so hard I thought she was going to burst a blood vessel. Every question after that was amusing. (Does Daisy have any allergies; has she filled a prescription before, etc.) When I picked up the drugs, she had typed on the pill bottle: DAISY IS A DOG.

Wait, it gets better. I had Daisy's two prescriptions on the counter in front of the pills Michael takes for his arthritis.

MICHAEL: Who the bloody hell cut all my pills in half?

No, he didn't take any.

I take some pleasure in knowing that I don't have to coat Michael's pills with peanut butter and jam them down his throat!

Daisy's medication is now in another spot in the house and her breath smells like Jiffy extra chunky.

Michael? He just has to settle for water with his medication.

Boys, Quilts, Wonky Feathers and Andrea

2010-03-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

Isn't this a great shot of Carter and his new brother Jack? I asked their Nan to provide me with a photo of the boys with their new quilts and got this e-mailed to me this morning. I can't help looking at it and smiling. Carter's mom wanted to hang his train quilt on the wall in his bedroom, but he'd have nothing to do with that - he wanted to snuggle with it. Plus his Nan told the mom my quilts are made to use and enjoy.

My class at church last night was lots of fun - learned how to free motion wonky feathers. It's not as hard as it looks and I cannot wait to get home and practice tonight. I've found myself doodling feathers whilst on the phone with producers today. Hooked? You bet!

Andrea's winter term report card was absolutely splendid - all As. Despite the turmoil at home, she really worked hard and had a great deal of academic success. I couldn't be prouder of her.

Hugs,

Cathy

One Finish, One Start and A Bad Scare

2010-03-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

Just in time for tonight's meeting at church, I finished the quilt-as-you-go project we learned last month. Very pleased with the final product, but I doubt if I tackle another any time soon. We're supposed to have a guest lecturer/teacher tonight who is going to teach us how to quilt free-motion feathers.

I also started piecing another top - using a strip tubing technique. This quilt is ultimately destined for the guest bedroom. It was a pleasure to find all the fabric I needed for this top already in my stash.

Poor Michael had a bad scare on Sunday. When he was in the shower, he couldn't breathe. Even with the oxygen, he was unable to get air - sort of like his windpipe seized up. He obviously panicked, couldn't call anybody for help. He sat on the edge of the bathtub and calmed himself down. I found him a few minutes later, sitting on the edge of our bed, obviously upset. He asked me to dry his hair for him, so I got the hairdryer out and did that for him. Whilst doing that, he began to cry. I held him for a long time. That's all I could do. His pulmonary fibrosis is obviously getting much worse and he's out of remission, but he won't go to the doctor's for it. I'm losing him and both of us know he doesn't have long.

Dear Andrea's feeling all this too - I took her to a therapy session on Friday. Neither one of us had seen this therapist before, so he asked questions about the family situation. I started to talk about Michael and the lung disease. Andrea sobbed as I talked. That got me crying. Try as I might, it's tough to keep from doing that. As much as Andrea thinks Michael's nasty and rude to her at times, she does love her step-dad. I'll need to keep this in mind from now on. Since her own dad doesn't have much to do with her, she views Michael as her "real" father. Until Friday, she hadn't verbalized that.

God's steering me toward my next path in this life and I firmly believe that becoming more active with church activities, including Financial Peace University, is going to help me in the long run. I feel a certain degree of guilt leaving Michael at home when I go to the quilting club or even Sunday School. But, I can't cut myself off now because otherwise once Michael passes away I won't have a support group or familiar activities to keep me involved. I think he understands that too since he doesn't ask me to stay home anytime. My dear friend at work told me last week that I can phone her anytime - day or night - if I'm facing an issue with Michael and need somebody. Good words from a good friend who faces her own hurdles with a disabled husband.

Sorry, this post is not very positive or uplifting.

We did go to the cinema and watched "Alice in Wonderland" in 3D on Saturday. Andrea's on- line buddy from east of Columbus drove two hours with her mom to go to the movies and out for a meal with us. Andrea met Ally through a chat room. Ally and her mom, Cindy, drove to Mason to meet us in person last year. During our chat, Cindy and I discovered that our daughters not only share a birthday - April 9, 1993, but we had our daughters in the same hospital! How strange is that - we were in the same maternity ward (didn't meet then though) and got together because of an on-line friendship 16 years later!

Didn't get around to building our Ikea purchases this weekend. Perhaps tomorrow.

Hugs,
Cathy

Eight Years Later

2010-03-08T08:13:00.001-08:00

Eight years ago today, I married Michael. It's certainly been an interesting eight years with trips to England, visits from relations across the pond, one house move and loads of challenges which continue on a daily basis. He finds something I say or do amusing nearly every day. Truth be told - HE'S the odd one around here. Somehow, he's managed to hold onto his English roots. His lung disease has robbed him of a lot of his vitality, but he still laughs, talks and pokes fun at America nearly every chance he gets.

Once he told me that if he had known he was going to become terminally ill five years into our marriage, he probably would have elected to remain in England. At first that statement made me feel bitter - as if what we had wasn't worth it. But, the more I thought about it, he was looking to protect me from pain.

I need to appreciate what I have and reconcile myself to the fact that whatever financial issues or inconveniences I face are but a small price to pay for what I received because of him. Had he stayed in England I would have been robbed of the one relationship in my life which has made me stronger, opened my eyes to examining things much differently and provided me with a love I'd never experienced before. I'm grateful he chose me and decided to stay.

Worth it? Definitely. I believe God brought Michael into my life for those and more reasons. So, I'm thankful for the last eight years and will cherish any future I have with Michael, no matter how short it will be.

March Comes In Like A Lion.....

2010-03-01T07:28:00.000-08:00

Happy First of March! Can Spring be far away?

I'd like to know why the weekends go so fast. Seems like I blinked and I'm back at the office again.

Perhaps it has something to do with how busy I tend to get over the weekend. Saturday found me spending time with good pal Linda at Fabric Shack and then having lunch with her at the Pioneer Restaurant. Linda's favorite Amish shop was unfortunately closed for winter - thus creating a great excuse for us to make the trip together when the weather is warmer. I found some wonderful fabric for borders on my Civil War fabric/layer cake quilt, enough fabric for a few pillow cases and for the heck of it more fabric I just liked and will eventually do something with. Also, picked up a neat little pattern for totes made with Charm Squares.

Once I said bye-bye to Linda, Andrea hijacked me and we were off to the grocery store with a side trip to Chipotle so Andrea could have her "fix".

After attending an information meeting on Sunday, I've decided to sign up for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. It'll take two hours of my time every Friday evening between now and June, but if my learning is as valued as promised, it will be well worth my time. One of the reasons I want to take this class is to learn what I need to do to thrive financially on my own. Michael won't be with me much longer and we may never see any assistance from Social Security the way things are going. (Paperwork's in England with their worker's assistance office - no way of knowing when they'll get done.)

In between the shopping and church, I managed to get some sewing done. I'd pieced over 20 blocks for the quilt-as-you go pattern and realized I wouldn't have enough of one of the main fabrics. Got on line and found a store in Michigan that still had it in stock so I ordered two yards. Once I'd reached a stopping point with the quilt-as-you go piece, I picked up the Civil War blocks and got them all pieced together -ready for the borders. I have no clue how I'm going to quilt this one. Once I get my camera back from Tattoo Boy, I'll post a photo of this project for input on quilting ideas.

I mentioned Michael in the paragraph before last. For those who are interested, his health continues to deteriorate. He refuses to see any doctor despite the left arm pain and chest pain he's experiencing. He doesn't leave the house except for our once a week treat - a meal at a local restaurant. Then, and other times, it takes him a good ten minutes to catch his breath after slowly walking ten yards. He's on oxygen 24/7 (even in the shower) and had to boost the pressure. Most of the time he's in a good mood. But, yesterday he mentioned that he's frightened of dying alone. To him, that is THE end. He continues to be hard-hearted about faith and may never change. That, more than anything, troubles me. It is HIS choice, but I continue to pray and seek guidance.

Andrea has three more days of winter quarter classes. She is ecstatic about gym coming to an end. Her schedule for spring quarter is packed, but she's looking forward to those classes. Next on the list: get driver's ed out of the way.

I rarely hear from Tattoo Boy - except when he needs something like last Friday. He was searching for a bicycle he could tear up and use for another art project. Andrea obliged by selling him her old bike for $10. Hoping that TB gets his cell phone back amongst the living so I can get in touch with him more often.

TB's old room has been empty for a few weeks now and I've made some tentative decisions about fixing it back up into a guest room. For one thing, it's in dire need of a paint job and I don't know what TB did with the curtains that were in there. I suspect he tossed them out. I'd like to paint the walls a sand colour and use blue/gray, light brown fabrics in the bedding and curtains. Will probably get around to all this in a few months. We won't have guests for a while at any rate.

Hugs,

Cathy